+ Just a step away from paradise

yeah, another template with a lily on it

Mmmm...

Life is strange. it has plenty of twists, and sometimes where it leads u, you get surprised. So here i am standing watching the waves of water lap at my feet, a distance from the pple i came from, closer to the people i know elsewhere. Strange pathway to take, in sucha roundabout manner, and i don't know what i my next step will be.

Round and round in circles we shall roam.

Portrait of a Father.

Eyes that seem strained, tired.
A face that is gaunt, time has crossed
its path deeply in the lines of your
face.
Still you take to the bottle and tobacco
Steadfast like a chimney of a stream train
perpetually drinking and smoking
as you move.
I stand here, watching uncomprehending
never will i understand what is keeping you
so long
from reality.

each painful step i take, i tell myself, learn to forgive, forget the pain, forget the stabs you felt, be sorry for the stabs you gave. Each time this happens, erase the anger, wipe away the tears. You will become a better person out of this, stronger and better, be calm and rational, be quiet and firm. Its not easy, but you will get there.

Count your blessings, clear your mind. You will win the battle not by lashing out the most hurt, you will win by showing that no matter what, you are not the carrier of hatred, you are not the provoker of pain. No one can force you to do the things you should not do. GIving your other cheek to be slapped is not easy, nor is it the best way to deal with things, but at least, at your end, you don't walk around with a cluttered heart.

It makes it so much easier to smile that way, really.

*** 20 mins later***

After a debate with myself (and somewhat, i choose to believe, with Him) in the shower (yes i do do those wierd things) i concluded that i shall find my answers in my own time, and He will give them to me in my own time. I trust he will tell me why i have to go through this, and i am sorry that i failed him on so many counts. Sometimes i wonder how he could ever love me, and die for me when i think so lowly of myself. Other times i wonder if he hates me already. I was told he never will, because he isn't human, he will never give up. He will love and forgive.Teach me then, to know what to believe, to stop hurting, to start understanding. Teach me to separate faith from institution, teach me to learn to pick myself up when i fall,

Teach me, lord, teach me.

Dawn arrives
as all things come alive,
chirping birds, bustling with
the day's busy business.
The tired farmer moves to pick up
his hoe,
the tired fisherman casts his nets
once more
life goes on,
despite all fatigue and sadness
much better if we strive
to find smiles with song.

Romantic films ALWAYs do this to me - reduce me to this giggly tiny state of hapless and helpless desires to just float onto some random cloud and giggle myself away (thankfully not a massive waste of time since its an hour or so before i tumble sillynilly into bed and giggle some more). Sometimes when i see these films i feel a little sad - when the world seems that perfect because of a happy ever after ending, and then you realise that hey, your glimpse into THEIR world stops there, but their reality goes on, and in that sense, its not a happy ever after anymore. its just a happy now after,.

Happily every after. I don't think it could possibly ever happen, because everything takes effort, everything takes time, and more love and care to make it wonderful, but it will always be flawed. But then again, with flawed perfection we appreciate beauty when it arrives. And whilst i may indulge in my sillynilly-giggly-love-is-perfect little bubble right now, least i know, tmr when i wake up, imperfect life begins again, and i begin once more, to learn a new lesson in life about loving.

Sometimes girls hope for too much, and then we blame our guys for giving too little. I think if you give and expect a return you have failed in the act of giving itself. It is meant to be unconditional. That said, i suppose, even the expected thank you is an expectation, so let's change it, expecting mroe than teh minimal, to be realistic ^^

Political Science presentation taught me that uni students can be worse than ur JC classmates. i never ever saw a more deadpan row of faces. Its strange. I had to resort to emotional blackmail to get a response. Its TRAGIC.

On another level, methinks that we are all going to have a lot of rain now.
Which is a welcome respite from the Haze. ah well. least i know right now that fresh air, or the pathetic morsels of it that we have, smells best after the rain. I like it (: fresh dewy smell, slightly sweet

collapsing under term papers, exams and exams. I cannot believe we are having exams in a month. i feel seriously dunced. really i do.

I was happy today because i had my giraffe balloon for company on the train. Then someone walked past me when i was sleeping and most hideously beheaded him! which meant jem had no balloon and i had broken rubber in my hand when i woke up.

Random snippets of today: Having a nice LONG nap - i KOed literally, too loud singing on the bus (by me. cos it was empty) and a strange taxi driver who thought 1) i was taiwanese (heaven forbid) 2) i was in SECONDARY school, and 3) i was some movie star cos i was wearing a baret of all reasons)

honestly, i thought i'd never get a secondary school comment again. do i honestly LOOK that pre-pubescent?!

Lol. found this when i randomly surfed the net. Thought it to be damn funny. *grin*. What to do when strange guys try to pick u up

CLEVER PICK-UP LINE COMEBACKS - don't die laughing. ;)

He says: Can I buy you a drink?
You say: Actually, I'd rather have the money.

He says: I'm a photographer and I've been looking for a face like yours.
You say: I'm a plastic surgeon and I've been looking for a face like yours.

He says: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
You say: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

He says: How did you get to be so beautiful?
You say: I must've been given your share.

He says: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
You say: Sorry, I'm having a headache this weekend.

He says: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
You say: Okay, get out!

He says: I think I could make you very happy.
You say: Why? Are you leaving?

He says: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
You say: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

He says: Can I have your name?
You say: Why? Don't you have one already?

He says: Shall we go see a movie?
You say: I've already seen it.

He says: Where have you been all my life?
You say: Hiding from you.

He says: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
You say: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

He says: Is this seat empty?
You say: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

He says: So, what do you do for a living?
You say: I'm a female impersonator.

He says: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
You say: Do not enter.

Ah well . Things that we need to amuse ourselves sometimes. Least it is a tad more tactful than BUGGER OFF. hm.

It is unbelievable that i still feel like i am on holiday. the lack of formal schooling is somewhat disconcerting because the freedom really gets to your head. Sometimes it means u take more risks then you are supposed to. Anyway, its alright, time to start buckling down to MUG. Exams in about a MONTH ( i absolutely CANNOT believe that is is already mroe tahn halfway into my first uni term, because it really doesn't feel like i've been going to school at all. ) seriously, i do not feel any sense of urgency to look at my books. then again. maybe its because i am dead tired. hm. oh well.

anyway. i PHAILED driving. thanks to stupid reasons and just plain UNLUCKY occurances that just HAD to occur this morning. PHAIL PHAIL PHAIL! its ok. try again lor.

but more impotantly, thank YOU for making me smile today. you still are the only one that can poke me to laugh when i'm really upset =_= i'm serious. Doing silly things in the afternoon with shi min just got rid of the angst cos i was yelling SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS at the top of my lungs walking down to kent ridge hall. but you made me laugh adn i really appreciate it. thanks! *hug* ily.

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Words of Affirmation.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		9
Words of Affirmation:		8
Physical Touch:		6
Receiving Gifts:		4
Acts of Service:		3

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

skin that is hardened
calloused and impervious
far less sensitive
than those that broke above it before.
no longer able to let
lingering love stay longer
before it evaporates.
you can't touch me anymore.
Not with your spears and stones
not with your words meaning to cut.
I am far away.
farther than you'll ever imagine.
You don't own my soul.
no one does.

my heart feels funny. it does. i don't know how to explain it. Sitting here in esplanade library there's this really good pianist on the piano playing piano concerto and its so so so soothing. slowly i feel like i am enveloped in this warm blanket. music does good things to me :)

Life is strange, sometimes you wonder how we get along. there can be so much felt from eating a popsicle stick by yourself, just feeling the breeze in your hair and no one to tell you what to do or where to go. Don't need to care bout what everyone else says. The nice quiet peace of the afternoon is soothing. sometimes i wish people understood me better. Sometimes i wish i understood people better. Its hard to find a person who can understand the simple meaning of a complex sentence that you don't have to explain twice. or to sit in total silence, next to someone, and feel happy at the end of it even if u barely spoke to each otehr for a whole hour. Or to have someone know and understand without question that you are strangely happy and sad at the same time. i haven't felt that in a really long while. miss you adri, and daph.

nothing needs to be said, and somehow you'd understand what i feel. wish you were here.

The haze
Gave Larissa a headache
used up jeremy's inhaler
gave mummy the flu(for her birthday)
and fogged up the view.

BUT

I suppose a "sorry" will do.
Sorry on behalf of the businessmen
who pay small farmers to burn.
Sorry on behalf of the monsoon
that refuses to fall (yet)
Sorry on behalf of your government -
the perpetuators of the
guiltless crime of corruption.

yes. really
A "sorry", will do.

Today had pre-storm weather the entire day, even though it failed to rain. It set the mood for the whole day really, a bit sleepy, a bit cold, with anticipation hanging in the air. It felt a lot like those late after-school days in JC, when you are just waiting to go home and the storm clouds linger like a fly that won't go away, looking heavier and swelling with each passing minute. You just stare at them and hope they last out long enough for you to run home and get ready to cuddle under your blanket, before the entire sky comes down like no tommorrow. It smelt like it to, as far as i could remember. The air smelt like those days when i was still single and pondering, waiting around and being me and independant. It made me want to hold on to it a little while longer, that fragment of my past that cld never return.

But the future holds more in comparison to our past, it should at least, since it is what we strive towards anyway. \I thought alot today about the idea of loving and losing, since there have beena fair amount of breakups and jolted relationships around me lately, and i suppose that i'd rather have loved and lost than to be 25 and waiting. Moreover, love itself, between 2 pple, is hard to come by and should always be treasured. But i cannot fathom the changed nature of my love, in its raw form. It wasn't that bumpy bubbling stream i used ot feel all the time anymore. It seems more stable, quieter, sometimes reassuring, sometimes eluding me about its depth. i feel something more solid, more stable, yet it feels less alive, less energetic. \i also feel absolutely povertised, in many many ways, it feels strange. to feel like you have nothing ot offer the people around you anymore. the most you can afford seems to be a smile and a hug, or a hello and goodbye.

Strange. yeah. quite. its wierd feeling like an emotional bankrupt.

But the pre-storm weather made me feel happier today. i dunno why. It's my favourite weather lately, especially with the gusty wind. feeling it blow across my arms and raise goosebumps makes me feel that much more alive, that muchmore free.

i slept today, for once in a good and totally restful manner. in other words, it felt like i slept(: cos i had no dreams, perfect loss of time( in other words i felt like time took my quietly without telling me) and i felt happy waking up. It felt SO good ^^ Thank you for the kind loaning of your very nice bed ^^

Maybe one day i'll take myself on a nice spa thing, just like soak and relax and enjoy - no rush for time, no rush for answers, just some nice luxurious timeeee. mmmmm... sounds good.

Today was a WONDERFUL wonderful day. *beams happily* I could just smile in happy contentment for the next billion years! Jem took me for a nice movie ^^ then we went to mount faber and he brought me Sky Dining! (: *hug* that boy can really surprise me. Today had a lot of imprints. Lots of mental snapshots too. There goes another pretty day into my mental scrapbook. *sighs happily* i don't think words could ever describe my state of contentment now =x for the first time in my life, i cannot articulate how i feel accurately. perhaps words desecrate teh beauty of it then.

us during dinner, in our cable car

Our view, i thought this piccy was cute cos the lights look a bit like music notes(:

My little boy <3>

to my little boy: Thank you for the flowers, thank you for your smiles, your presents your tender hugs your time, and above all, the love you've showed me *hug* I love you, very very much.

had a nice day today. if the haze would just get a lil better, i think it would have been perfect(:

oh well. I am counting the hoursminutesseconds to the time i can see you again. how strange. i feel ditzy again.

Oh, and btw, to the oh-so-kind friend of my sister's, none of us here are interested in seeing your feeble attempts at poking me. firstly, its a free world and i can think what I want and you can go live in your cotton candy bubble. if my sister doesn't annoy you, all the better for your pathetic flaming life. point is, she does me. So until you've had to sit through what i've had with her, and LIVED with her long enough to feel it, shut up, and go away. Secondly, why don't you go look at my CV first (oh wait, doubt YOU would know waht that is) before you ask me whether i think i am good and mature. Primo, you haven' had to deal with the emotional shit i get from other pple, and secundo, you probably won't even be able to do HALF the things i already done, so shove it.

i don't need to deal with puerile 12 year olds who think the world of themselves and fantasize bout bitch slapping pple when they can't even produce a mere spark. You didn't even dare report your name. (ah, maybe ethel is trying to defend herself with a smokescreen *smirk*) Thought you hit me? oh please, you didn't even make a dent. It's a desecration to the fact that you are from SC if you don't even understand what it means by you are not wanted here. and i assure you, if i ever find out who you are, and i have the misfortune of you visiting my house, i'd have more than this to say to you.Even if you are a guest.

Get lost.

I woke up this morning, and told myself that today shall be a good day.

And so it shall(:

Process of SEVERE doubt of academic ability.

I feel stupid, incapable, and quite useless. Prolly can't think can't speak can't do anything right.
i just feel absolutely mediocre. Maybe i shld just stick with descending into absolute bimbotism, and erm, eventually end up some rich tai tai sitting pretty somewhere since SC has that wondrous reputation. Which isn't exactly the life i want (yeah sure others do) but i want to feel capable. Which i obviously am not right now T-T.

On other notes, i =need= some fresh air with pple. I need to go out, i need to just DO something totally and completely RELAXING. I feel cooped up, lousy and completely dunced.

SAVE ME PPLE SAVE ME.

ok. This is bad. I think i may have bitten off more than i can chew. I am also quite pissed of with a certain someone who has seemed to be professing a view about news that i most often do not see eye to eye with at all. I think it means it needs a cut before i go absolutely berserk balancing enough sleep and everything else.

Someone please tell me the sense in writing a 1000 odd word NEWS ARTICLE when pple want to skim through stuff and most newspapers don't even go THAT far =x maybe i'm just not cut out for writing, outside the fluffy stuff i do here.

WAKE UP LARISSA WAKE UP

A quiz, as requested to be done by Wei :)

Favourites.

colour: blue
food: Sushi!
movie: She's the man, Breakfast at Tiffany's, the Cutting Edge.
sport: Swimming, Softball
day of the week: Saturday - get to see Jeremy Day!
season: Winter! Pwetty snowflakes!
ice-cream: Ice house. Pity Swensen's ain't sellin it anymore

current.

mood: cheery.
taste: sweet, pretty charming things! and bling and flouncy skirts and dresses. and LEATHER BAGS.
desktop: me and jem piccie
toenail colour: Pink
time: 10:39pm
surroundings: my room
annoyance: the little sister
best friend: Jem and Kai, daph
crush: i'm attached!
lie: where i went this afternoon ^^::
music: Stay - Lisa Loeb and Nine stories

last.

cigarette: i don't smoke, thanks
drink: Water
ride: Car ride home from church
crush: don't remember
movie: I not stupid
phonecall: mummy
cd: can't rmb =x
classical songs: does kitaro count

have you ever.

dated one of ur best friends: nope!
broken the law: yupp. i think we all have, in our small little ways =p
been arrested:no!
skinny-dipped: no but i'd like to try
been on tv: sorta.
kissed someone that you don't know: nope
4 things you did today: driving, stationary shopping, napping, cat classes
3 things you can hear right now: nothing. dead quiet the house is.
random facts about me: i love chocolate, i have a gorgeous boyfriend, i have occasional wierd bimbo tendencies, and i need to grow taller.
7 things that scare me:
losing Jem, losing the people i love, FAILING uni, getting chikopehed at, the rest is private=p
7 random music at the moment:
Kiss the girl - The Little Mermaid
Hurricane - Lisa Loeb and 9 Stories
My last flight - Love Psychedelico
Runaway- Electrico
All the love in the world - The corrs
L-O-V-E- Nat King Cole
Ai qing zheng shu - Sun Yan Zi

7 things i say most:
Hee hee. tut. Wheee. Brilliant. Nooooooo. Oops. mmph

7 people to do this:
Lucas, Adrienne, Owen, Jimmy, anyone else who feels like it =p

that's it. I want FUN. Total unadulterated FUN. (at the risk of sounding like a totally debauched female) Mindless laughing, sex, water games, slacking off, WHATEVER.

JUST GIVE iT TO ME.

don't talk to me about work don't talk to me about responsibilities. Tell me the sky will go pink when the sun sets and you'll share it with me.

Dinner out with family today. I am trying very very hard to be a patient woman when it comes to dealing with my sister but sometimes involuntarily i imagine my hands travelling to her neck and throttling her till she can't breathe. ah well. I shall engage in the wonderful activity of driving tmr, before heading to wherever's convenient for an early morning robbery of stores for a list of random things that i need.

Sometimes i wonder why the past implicates us in such strange ways. it makes you feel differently about things, it also makes you feel powerless against some factors. The over-scared bits that i usually start out school with haven't worn off, and probably will not until the first tests are over and i feel more confident that i am in some measure adequately faced to uni. That means that i will continue to study like a freaked out mad cuckoo bird, in a frenzied and overtly conscientious manner, until i know the minimum amount that i can get away with =_=.

I feel a bit suffocated choosing a cca that i have never ever stepped into. Me handling something completely foreign to me and somewhat elusive. sure, first attempts can go awry excusably, but i'm affronted with a severe doubt as to whether i can truly wield a pen. Maybe i shld just abandon whatever has been given to me and go my way to know what i want to focus on and thus make writing a little more fluid. mmmm... i don't know. I prolly am a dunce. just a smart-talking one so i don't look it at all T-T.