Time flies past quite quickly, my one week break has come and gone. Nice times slacking with Jem, nice times working and getting stuff done. More things that i wish i could do - go cycling, go picnicing, go for nice drinks and late night chats, playing with candles on the beach, less of a shadow of work hanging over my head. I gotta get started on my essays though. LIke pronto. only 2 weeks left!
I think that i am quite happy with my current closet state, because it makes mixing and matching so nice and easy to do! lalalala.
sunday Sun twerp guide me cleaned out ladidadidoooo Wheeeee oof bugger off fire bazoar! voice selfish wings pitter-patter crossroads tee hee first blood spindle
she gazes,
expecting the fiery red globe
to sink, submerge, disappear forever into the
blue abyss of ocean -
It seemed so close to the end.
And yet where it sets it rises elsewhere -
equally as fiery
amidst the gay song of angels in the air.
The sun never really sets.
~* even without a ring my heart and soul remain yours forever
She needs to start working, really she does.
I command everyone who sees me online/outside/whatever to tell me taht i should study.
Thank you.
*exits stage left
i want to be free again, i want my heart to smile inside, with a little secret that no one else can ever know.
OH OH. i need to go ikea to look for shelves. i am now sitting here and waiting, no, EXPECTING a few volunteers. because i know SOME of you have finished your prelims. which means due time to see me. *ahem* and i expect answers pronto =p
sometimes being demanding feels nice:)
i shall remain happily busy, after today, i promise myself.
i'm irrationally insecure. and unhappy with me.
sudden urge to be different don't know why.
also, i'm being quite rubbishy and a little high.
not cos of the wine, i didn't like it.
maybe its the chocolates. i had 3 big pieces.
now all i can think of is 'wooooooooooo'
i like chocolate highs :)
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Now, I don't want to lose you
but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you
but I don't want to be the one to cry.
And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.
(Chorus)
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.
Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.
It makes a sound like thunder
it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.
(Chorus)
And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.
Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.
Oh, Oh, Oh, No
I feel like a little pea in a pan with a lot of other peas, just rattling about and insignificant. I itch with the desire to rise out and bounce out of my pan and into a shelf, where i will be A pea, distinct from others and of my own self. I suppose issues of identity right now. hm. Not that it'd be too hard to define ^^. oh well
i'm starting to miss pple, daph, jem, penny. School wherethere are pple that you will always know you will see, familiar faces, Class games. i miss all these in jc, i miss the homey environment and happy debate family. But its ok, we will all move on, after a while this will become a fragment, and when i go to work i'll prolly miss working life. HM. Vicious cycle i suppose.
On brighter, happier notes, i discovered once again the wonders of milo, cookies and milk, and playing wiht bubbles while i take my bath (which means i take 10 mins longer than usual). I also am once agian learning how to drive( road users BEWARE) and i feel immensely the need to scrimp and save (not necessarily a good thing). i shall endeavour to eat out less, eat home more, and look for free food. It was fun romping around in secondary school living on cookie samples once in a while ^^;; hmmmm... but yes. I am a poor studying student ( with a newfound liking for soft leather bags). That makes me er..... well. nvm.
sometimes i find it freaky when you sit in a train and stone, and just happen to be looking in the direction of someone opposite you, and when you realise, its only because that twat is spending his time wiggling his eyebrows at you. hm.
I know that they say our generation is the one that's got too overt sexual messages everywhere and waht not, but i was just listening to some 80s stuff recently, and whilst its true that perhaps the songs now(the trashy ones more so) could be a lot more graphic, but the earlier stuff was much worse, pple yelling explicitly I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU and all that. So yeah, i don't think taht we're worse off, cos my mom listened to stuff that pretty much said the same things. so yeah.
Hm.
To put it out point blank, i have been feeling unhappy. In honest evaluation as to why i put it down to a lack of sea breeze, a general unhappiness in what i am, and insecurity that won't go away.
Sea breeze is obvious. i haven't been to the beach in god knows when, haven't heard or smelt the waves at my breezy breakwater alone, haven't let the waves remove the troubles off my back. Those moments were good for self analysis, i should indulge more, especially in alone time. to work my own issues out.
In retrospect, i find myself indeed unhappy with what i have become, in terms of my own self value and judgement, this constant nagging inadequacy of what i can do, what i failed to measure-up to. I don't like the fact that i'm emotionally dependant, don't liek teh fact that i'm living according to someone's else demands and expectations, don't like the fact that i am busy but unfulfilled. Sometimes i wonder where the independant me went to. Satisfaction has disappeared to heaven knows where, and i feel hollowed out and drained. I want my bounce back, i want the happy-go-lucky i used to have, i want the contentment i used to find in just staring out of the windo. I want so many things, but how do i travel back to get them?
Insecurity. The idea of it reeks with one scar - my a-levels. Sure. its easy to accept what i got, not easy to grapple with the question of whether you could even have done better . in other words, i wonder how it was indeed an accurate judgement of my own intelligence. Sometimes you try hard and hope htat it returns the same, sometimes you feel bad that it seems like you disappointed so many pple, even yourself, and you wonder whether or not that meant that you could have done better, or whether or not you should have left. Then certain things happen, critiques comments statements that may be true, but just make u feel increasingly worse about yourself, and you wonder really, are you just that smart talking airhead, or an airhead, period. Just. totally. brainless. ( which to me is scandalous sin)
On another level, it is perhaps true that love held too tightly will often slip away. You wish that you had a better grasp of things. You KNOW that somoene else has a shortage of time and an overload of obligations. you UNDERSTAND that time together isn't the thing you have as a common thing, it is a luxury. you UNDERSTAND that by common standards, you actually do have a lot of time. you just FEEL annoyed and tired, because all you feel you've been doing is waiting around to be picked up and then set down as a wallflower vase in other times ( which technically speaking can and can not be true, in the actual sense of the word).i supposed that was a product of too much time, initially, but it may or may not be that. I have things to do now, stuff to complete, and that helps, really it does. Perhaps its because i want something more than jst quantity, i want quality too. Or maybe i'm just being a totally demanding other half. Sometimes i don't know what i do want, maybe its just the constant feeling of being second place amidst alot of other things, true or not, because it seems like when you never have time for anything else and me, someone else comes along and you have time for them.Sometimes i get bothered by the future and what it could bring - separation (which will make me feel really cheated, but nvm bout that), and the pressure to do things that i don't want to (it has already happened and i can't turn back) Its come to a point where i just am so annoyed with everything pressing the escape button is getting increasingly appealing. It might be me that is causing everything (it probably is), it might not. I wanted to get away from everyone ( yes, unfortunately including you) not because i love them any less, but because i want to take a break from all this, no worries, no bad feelings, just relaxing. Don't have to see people's bad tempers, don'thave to feel second place, don't have to do feel unwanted. Sounds nice, all too appealing, and also bank acct cleaning (darn the fact that i am a poor working student)
So there we go. My honest analysis as to why i think i am unhappy. treat for me later - ice cream by the esplanade. some nice alone time before i go to work. that should be good ^^
the falcon turns baleful eyes
to the azure blue sky.
Hungrily he twitches, as if
yearning to just take off and fly
leaving his dark black chains behind
in ruins.
pitter-patter on the panes.
Memories play on my brain
softly chiming like the keys on a piano.
Rain outside my window
pitter patter on the panes
Alone you walk this solitary lane
hoping for a little love, a smile, nice warm cuddles.
Had a happy happy 2 days with my nut, hahaha, somehow home seems to be where the heart feels happiest, i just realised. i am at home in many places, including my own room, just not outside it. Which is fine, i suppose, but ah well. brooding minds find no happiness in thoughts, and i find happiness in a smile that can never be replicated. One with laughing sherry brown eyes, mussed up hair and warm brown skin.
the few days were the happiest in quite a few months, nights without cares, warm sleep, safe and dry on an enchanted island where i smiled myself to sleep leaning on the curved inside of the moon. I could not ask for more, so thank you so very much. ^^
I finally found my white board!!! : )
I decided to study smart over detail. Which means that i'm not going to go through everything, just listen harder in lecture and pick out what they REALLY want to pay attn to, and formulate my own arguments abt it.
I also decided to find my bounce again. i suppose its high time i started. Its been missing 2 long years! Wheeeeeeee..... Tigger is my best friend ^^
Second blow returned
Third she heals, but her blood
remains -
that which first blood drew,
left unattended, in the
raw glare of another's bandage.
close your eyes, breathe. The first aid kit never arrived, you told yourself not to expect, so don't bother hoping that it will anymore.
it really doesn't matter at all.
round and round, weaving
creating a new cloth
to cover the truth beneath,
but as it spins, knots ensue,
the cloth weaves sheer, too thin.
i really hate lying, its come to a point where i just choose not to say anythign anymore. The less you know, the less explaining i have to do, the less your mind wanders in question of what i do, or what i've been doing. I like the privacy of my mind. I like living in the privacy of my mind. I think i have become more the recluse when it comes to my thoughts, i almost don't like sharing anymore. When i'm unhappy, or upset, or bothered, i'd rather just tell myself to suck it up. Its biting, but least, me keeping quiet won't tire pple out listening to me anymore, and if any case, it seems, at least, that that's the way i have to deal with things, outside biding my time for the opportunities that i need to shove back, or run, whichever comes first.
Alone in the dark,
she wonders in the superficial noise
how words so sweet, could feel so
empty
As if a queer silence has
settled around her heart.
NEWBIES
early noise
sugar rush
normalcy
contemplate
lost phone
crazy
invisible and wet
incognito
