Leaves fall, golden brown
fiery in the glow of the setting sun.
The withered flowers litter
the cobbled sidewalk, bitter
in memory of spring that once was.
Winter settles in the heart of warm souls,
love seems as distant as stars twinking above,
beautiful yet far, far away -
Standing here it is difficult even to glimpse you.

chill

i was walking home today at evening, whilst the sun shone its remnant fiery rays on the transiting day, and it somehow felt like i was walking on sunbeams, where the cobbled sidewalk glistened and shone like gold in the glowing rays of the setting sun. It felt so surreal because for a while there it just seemed like me, the glowing path and soft bird song, no cars, no noise, everything suffused in the soft hues of evening.

I think the world looks prettiest at sunrise and sunset (though i never am early enough to truly see sunrise) its as if the world is just put in its prettiest, best colours just to say hello and goodbye, and somehow or other, it really really made my day.

i don't think i'd ever forget today's sunset. Somehow or other it just seemed so much more beautiful, an imprinted still frame in my mind.

golden pebbles

i was asked an interesetng question the other day - " do you believe that you are really happy?". For a while that really stunned me, because no one had ever questioned me about it before, least not in that context.

i often wondered whether happiness is a state of mind or a place to be. usually i decided it was the former, since its easy to make yourself happy, over the little things, but to find happiness in unhappiness is another thing altogether i suppose. Then i wonder why i put myself in some positions sometimes, because i really don't need to let some things affect me or even give them that capacity, and yet i find myself most willing because of how i feel. Which leaves me sometimes torn and sometimes happy. Sure let go and move on they say, but if it were that easy to have your heart ripped out and expected to grow safe and intact within a span of one and a half months then good for you, it doesn't work that way for me. The remnants that i have left to grapple me haunt me at the wierdest and most alone points in my daily life, thoughts i long to shake off and stop their incessant torture of leaving whatever scabs are left open to bleed again. Good part of it is that as the days go by it gets increasingly less, and i feel increasingly happier, but occasionally unhappy too.

i suppose my incessant rambling makes little or no sense, but sometimes, when i think about things, i realise that on the many days where i want to take off and run from the world, i stay for the things i want to run from, and thus contradict myself too often to know that for these reasons, i will never ever be able to leave, because i simply can't.

~* i'm getting tired and i need somewhere to begin

simple fate

wooo... as requested by Luke i have here this quiz done =) and yes, the chocolates are good. VERY good. *beams*


7 Random Things About Me
1. I like chocolates with nuts, hazelnut and almond especially.
2. I smell anything i eat before i eat.
3. I refuse to watch horror films cos i don't believe in paying to get scared.
4. I walk into things and fall down quite quite often.
5. Contrary to popular belief i can get quite cranky, not always that pleasant tempered.
6. My favourite thing to do is to watch things - people, stars , clouds, anything (cept porn)
7. I like cute fluffy animals

7 Things That Scare Me
1. not being able to talk. That will KILL me. Really
2. having people mad at me. I hate it really.
3. scary toys
4. horror movies
5. failure. In our countries, your second chances are usually not as good, if they exist at all.
6. Losing him
7. losing my possesions

7 Random Songs Of The Moment
1. Bad Day - daniel powter
2. Somewhere only we know - Keane
3. If i were you - hooverstank
4. poison - bardot
5. a whole new world - aladdin
6. point of no return - phantom of the opera
7. f i kissed you - corrine may

7 things I love most
1. jeremy.
2. My mummy.
3. My besties
4. My friends.
5. chocolate.
6. freedom, it adds an extra freshness to the air.
7. being happy, its important.

7 things I always say
1. yay!
2. brilliant *rolls eyes*
3. mmmmmmmm
4. Yeah
5. i'm sure
6. Wooooooooo
7. uh-oh

7 people to do This
1. Daffy
2. adrienne, whose blog has never had another quiz
3. joel
4. owen
5. scott, lol.
6. Jeremy Au
7. anyone who wants to really =p

seven

Sometimes there are moments which you just want to collect in your heart and keep. For a while there when everything seemed so right and perfect, it seemed that to leave would break the fragile frame of peace. But somehow or other, etched in my mind is a perfect picture of us dancing together under moonlight. Where its just you and me, the ocean breeze, and a starfilled night with the moon on fire.

dance with desire

this stems from having to serve 2 days in a row of horrid horrid pple.

I find that i have a lot of problems withh the nationals of a particular country. They are just exceptionally unpleasant to be around, ranging from the fact that they have bad breath, are crass, rude, loud, to the fact that the way they dress is just U-G-L-Y. There's something about the way that they do their hair, the way that they walk, and the colours and designs that they choose that make them look gawdy, a poor imitation of being fashionable and classy. It can never take away the mean lines of calculation that we see at their mouth. They pretend to have money to throw around by coming here to strut in our shopping district and yet haggle to the last cent in a most uncouth manner. It's one thing to bargain in a pasar malam but seriously, in the middle of a shop of all things is just plain uncivilised, and low class. Yeah, sure we do it too, but in the appropriate places, to say the least. AND WE DON'T INSULT PRODUCTS. But i suppose some people can't help the way they sound, but if your nationals are destined to sound cheap and crass all their life and no matter their station, i pity those who have the misfortune of dealing with such miscreants.

OH oh. And did i mention that they don't shave their underarms and they SMELL? i don't know if they actually had managed at one point in time or another to communise even bathing soap and shampoo over there but they certainly collectively smell bad. its AWFUL.

And your country ad a renwned reputation for sluts here. To see your female nationals thhrow themselves at a 70 plus year old man, my own grandfather, for only a dollar more discount (yeah sure, 5 more in your country but its still pittance) is positively nauseating and mortifying. It definitely redefines the idea of 'cheap' and the term 'whore'.

So what if your are one of the rising and most prominent economies in the world today? if your pple suffer ill manners and poor carriage you'll always reflect that you are at a stage more povertised than the poorest gutter snipe in all of England, who probably possesses better manners to boot. Your people represent the epitome of the classic eyesore ( and prolly nose sore) and are a pain to deal with even on the most pleasant of days. And to know that these people we see here are of the higher echelons of society make it even more disturbingly obvious that graciousness and manners are just not inherent in your culture, however rich in heritage and history it is acclaimed to be. They are a horrid, indolent bunch and shame the good name of the natural warmth of Asian society. Work on the economy if you must, but i'm sure preaching good manners is not too difficult.

After all, you can always reintroduce it as a new chapter in your little red book, no?

problem

Today was a quiet lazy afternoon, childish evenings and soft quiet night. Snippets of hugs and kisses and fried rice wars, my little boy with an adorable pout and a shy cutenesss that weakens the hardest of hearts. a flyaway balloon that glinted in the setting sun whilst the rest of the world rushed by. The tiny grandmother along the same sidewalk that always proffered tissue packets to blind passerbys. A short melancholy walk home filled with indolent singing and a small baby steps, the little frog that hopped part of the way home with me. I stood in the dark hoping to catch a moonbeam in my palm. cookies and milk on the table, The perfect supper for the fulll mind.

~* and how do i love thee? let me count the ways...

mmmm

Wheeeeeee! i had lotsandlotsandlotsandlotsandlots of fun at Baybeats this year .Today's lineup beat the past 2 days hands down! =) and i had quite a bit of fun bouncing round with Penny too, but i think all 3 days had good memories with lots of special special people (like YOU) and therefore i'm reeling in the effects of good food, good company, and helluva rocking good music, though not all, cos Sat was punk day overloadd =_=. But STILL. mmmmmmm i am undeniably HAPPY.


lalalalalaa.... mmmm... this week was good, lots of little fun snippets that leave me happy and contented, but more than often i wish that we 2 could trade so you could have this GOOD good week from me and i could have your perfectly bad week so i can see a real happy smile on your face for a while. Still, its next week and i hope that it'd be a good week for you, and that all things will solve itself in due time. i'll do what i can with the cammy, and hopefully everything else will fall nicely into place. After the rain comes the sun, and i hope for you, the sun will shine bright and sunny always till your dying day. ily.

Woooooo

its funny how you can mistake a lake for being a shallow puddle sometimes.

Sometimes when you look at the source of it, and it was first a raging, rushing force of water that was hurtling down a beautiful gorge in perfectly classic scenery, you'd never think it might end up in the great ocean, where all is still and seemingly peaceful. Similarly, you'd never know how deep a lake is till you actually wade in and lose your footing. The light has wierd effects, making it look so much shallower than it really is. That's what i discovered today. When the heart has died once, often you'd think you'd never recover. Then after which, you realise that sometimes you believe it is that shallow a emotion, and easily forgotten. Following which something happens to make you realise that it is that much more deeper than you think, and that your believed limitations which u thought you could never cross now seem almost limitless.

I guess that is an interesting point of discovery, but now i look at the changed nature of what i think and feel about things and i realise, that if i want to talk about settling in for the long run, i'm already more than half there (i think) because simply, if i could go that far, i know that i'd do more than try to just make things work.


hmmmm.

deep still

How strange, when things are imposed on you, you end up balking at everything. After a while. You wonder why you are still there to begin with.

To have faith, to live independantly, is a process. its not something that happens overnight. When the human spirit is stretched enough, you are a tired, sore individual. Course things just keep coming, more shit hits the fan. Sometimes you just want to feel small and hide, hoping to get some rest and enough shelter. But i guess no one understands taht you'll come out to fight again. No one believes that your own tears and pain will become your armour.

And i tell you now, yes, thats what my tears become. The only shield i have against pple who think that they know me better than i do, and therefore push me away when they want to get me back.

incandescent

I have plenty of thoughts and feelings that i wish to pen down but simply cannot here for fear of vindication and much backlash, and also, because, i do not wish to hop on the typical band wagon of commentry-via-blogging that seems exceptionally popular of late, and thus has rendered it a more or less useless function because pple just type things for saying things just to comment and to hop on the band wagon. No, don't get me wrong, i'm not saying no one has an opinion, everyone does and some are most valid statements. i just feel taht it is unnecessary to broadcast them here, especially since i think putting this in conversation makes things SO much more interesting.


However, on another note, i find it strange that catharsis appears in so many different forms, and there are always days in a week where u feel happy, others when u just drop down for no reason whatsoever. but on more of the good stuff, i feel somehow, taht release is always good.

Sometimes an odd feeling settles here and there that tells me something isn't right, that somehow somewhere i seem to have missed a detail and lost a key to the door that stands on my right. I stand at this door, halting and gently moving it open, moving away from the passageway that inflicted more wounds than i thought i could ever survive. The door is blue, with a shining brass handle, and makes it seem so new, so new, and yet, it bears the frame and markings of the past that lead on to it, seemingly connected and making me fearful, fearful to open it and see another ambush taht might arrive once i leave my heart open and vulnerable again. i long to skirt the passageway to find the exit sometimes, to take me to the green pasture of eternal sunshine, but sometimes i know it'll never happen, because sunshine and that door do coexist, and the beauty of the grass after the storm is too enticing to resist many a time, that nowadays, i have balked at that option too many times to fully contemplate it..

I took my heart back 3 steps the last time, i'm tempted to take it back more, to stop my own brains from trying to fill in the gaps of wounds still healing, still oozing a faint trickle of fresh blood. I want so much to pick up my broken pieces and become whole once more, to stop trying to make myself stronger. The first aid kit never arrived as i thought it would. It was still i that had to apply my own medication, I who had to force amnesia and make myself forget.I know better than to draw strenght outwardly now, and to look inwards for reassurance and peace. But i guess, in many ways, it is never sufficient always, and on days taht i malfunction, all i want to do, is just.stop.breathing.

just.like.now.

thoughts