other plus points of my day includeeee:
a) date with jem by the beach - picnic plus bar with quite good music and stupid silly funny moments that still make me smile in my heart and make me feel really lucky and happy that i have him around. ( + 1 million gazillion points for happy count )
b) ooohhh.. i finally got bad dayy, which i think is a nice nice song, although like its supposed to be a sad day song, and i'm listening to it on a happy day and i feel even happier ( + 1000 points)
c) i cleared my ramp and vertical parking proper! wheeee!!! =D i feel so accomplished! ( + another few million points )
d) like, i just woke up this morning and the sun shone in and i was like thinking, oooh PRETTY day. one of the rare times i feel happy to wake up. wheee =D ( + 1 million points )
so lalalalaalal... i'm just happy. *bounce bounce* ooohhhhh... i feel loved and happy and satisfied and like i can tell the world " you can say what you like and do what you want, but no matter what, you can't get me down!" *pulls down one eye and sticks out tongue" HAH
wheee!!!!!
lalalala sometimes mmmmm heart slush quizzzz muse lychee love tiger hmmm happy-tired strong fear resurrection attention! fooldance
I was sitting down and wondering how come time can be such a defined and undefined presence in our lives. It shows itself in age and in memory, making ever so slight a presence otherwise. Its movements are so stealthy, it creeps by the moment we don't look, or everytime we try to catch its tail it runs even faster. It can get annoying, but when you realise it, its like "wow, its june already"
Time passes, and things fade and/or develop with it. I guess sometimes its sad that things fade of, but with old come the new, and with changes come a better situation. Its not the best of times when you're in it, but when you look back, and think how far you come, you feel much better, and in a way, proud of yourself.
it was a relatively okay wednesday afternoon, with a majorly whiny indonesian lady who came to our shop to whine for discounts, but she still bought a lot of stuff i guess. It was funny though, like, my grandpa trying to placate her whilst Anthony very annoyedly said "she's damn ugly!" and "she's damn irritating" whilst i tried to shush him =_=. still. Good day. Then i went to ikea to get storage stuff, which i found and hopefully made practical use of. Then i met Scott and we had hokkien mee day and dessert at Alexandra, which was peppered with our usual conversations. Unfortunately short though. I guess we really should have a proper meet up to indulge in proper conversations, elsee our half done ones will never get anywhere.
But we talked about interesting stuff, bout friendships and being alone, and how i have to learn to be alone and how we define what is good friends. I dunno, as i think of myself as a person i sometimes feel i really am difficult to love, cos well, i am. So i guess that explains why i don't have a best friend and why i never really had a group of people etc etc etc. But then i thought again of what would be a best friend to me and i realised that yes, there was a person who was that friend, but i guess i never acknowledged him, or rather, the 2 of them. Because i know one person who will always be there and always has been, no matter what or how, no matter how busy that person was. I just realised how come i never thought of him. hm. But that shall be discussed in much further detail when i have thought enough about this.
Life is strange though, sometimes we think so hard about what we want, and what we believe we don't have, when we realise that what we wished for has always been there, we just never acknowledged it.
It is a flame,
a everchanging coloured flame.
Sometimes it burns Red and bright
happy and wholesome, of warm light.
Sometimes it burns Blue and low
small at the centre, yet insistent in its glow.
Other times it turns Purple and rages
angry and unruly, a monstrous rampage
Occasionally it gets green,
slowly edging, envious and plagued with greed.
The flame still burns, colour everchanging,
sometimes softly, other times a mad explosion,
but yet the centre of our very existence.
amidst the snowdrift weighing heavily on her heart,
each snowflake another tear someone else has dropped
each puff of cold air a burden someone else has brought.
Still the little girl
she moves her tired, tired feet,
hoping with each step,
her weary heart would not cease to beat.
My teacher once said that:
I should not ramble like a bee ( i wonder how they do that).
Never in my life have I:
not fallen down in one day.
The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always make me smile:
hmmmm.... jem
When I'm nervous:
I talk alot. A LOT
The last time I laughed was when:
i sat in front of the tv, watching singapore idol ( whatever happened to REAL talent i never know).
My hair is:
MESSY.
My feet are:
pain..... heels are not conducive walking shoes
Last Christmas:
was spent in a different house that is now my house.
When I turn my head left, I see:
my study table, which has all sorts of stuff piled on it.
When I turn my head right, I see:
my room door, my bed and my cupboard.
When I look down I see:
my toes! they look like sausages=_=
The craziest recent event was:
The World Cup - everyone is now a zombie.
By this time next year:
I'm hoping to be feeling a lot less angsty.
I have a hard time understanding:
some people. Why are they so thick?
One time at a family gathering:
i got drunk. and almost walked into the swimming pool.
You know I like-like you if:
hmmmm...and why shld i broadcast it here?
If I won an award, the first person I'd thank is:
mummy for all her support :)
Triangles are:
the world's biggest problems when it comes to relationships
My ideal breakfast is:
mmmm... American breakfast! i love buffet breakfastss =D
If you make me really happy:
i'd be hugging you, even if you were a friend.
Where do you plan to visit anytime soon:
ehhh.... i dunno. i'll tell you when i find out
Boys are:
annoying creatures you wish you could do without... sometimes.
I'd stop my wedding if:
there was a catastrophe
The world could do without:
horrible people. ALL of them shld be mopped up and thrown into a bin. then we'd have world peace.
I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than:
kill someone. then agian, there are a few pple i can think of killing right now. so, hm.
Most recent thing you've bought yourself:
clothes! from bangkok!
Most recent thing someone else bought you:
contact lens bath, from my aunt.
My least favorite time of day is:
when i wake up.
And by the way, please hold on:
i'm supposed to be with my family watching a movie
The last time I was high:
2 nights ago? i had some chocolate. i think.
The person whom I last talked to told me:
i'm fierce ^^;;.
I shouldn't have:
made certain choices. But then again, my seniors want to give me the nobel peace prize for my tolerance level, so hm.
Last night I:
was humbly domesticated
There's this girl I know who:
just came back from canada
There is this guy I know who:
just got dumped
I'll tell the next person who makes me really happy:
That that was the best thing that ever happened to me today
I'm listening to:
The sound of the television in the background.
I last ate:
pizza, for dins
My bedsheet is:
blue with flowers on it.
I smell:
Nothing, my nose is still recovering from my minor cold.
On my table, I have:
a lot of rubbish
This quiz is:
well, nothing much. precisely
On the more unfortunate side of my day, today i succeeeded in walking into 5 things. A blooming 7 seater (how the hell did i miss that? ), 2 pillars, a dog (he was so cute though, and most polite about it) and last but not least the bus seat, which i promptly fell over too. So as you can see, i was fully engaging and discovering my klutzy side once moreT-T . Tis unfortunate. I noticed however, in my small and insignificant position as a salesgirl, that an extraordinary number of singaporeans are unable to comprehend the existence of the 'l' in black and hence pronounce it as 'brack' =_= but then again, how utterly random of me to suddenly type that.
Life for the past 2 days has been sweet, and nice, and well, in a strange way, somewhat of a blur. I guess that was also because i was half woozy, although the clear memories (mostly of you) do give me nice happy smiles on recollection. So, there. I am satisfied, and somewhat wishing for more time, and i guess, less rubbish, to do what i have to do, and also, to sleep. somehow i never strike a balance. I'm either like a complete BUM and freeee free free. Or a bee, and busy busy busy all the way.
tell me then, why do i put myself in such positions? Your EQ is
50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick!
51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese.
71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely.
91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that.
111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt.
131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.
150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.
oh well. I had the beautiful luxury of lychees today, and i just loved the sweet tasting translucent flesh and the soft sweet juice taht trickled down my fingers as i sampled the sweet fruit. I could have just spent the entire evening on the balcony slowly licking the juice off my fingers really.
yum:)
Strange though, the entire stay we didn't touch a single piece of thai food, minus rice crackers. But i loved the bonding time with my sis and mommy and grandpops, who promptly served up pages and pages of human history only gained from experience and much hardship. And all i could do was just sit there and admire the rich history of my family. :) i guess my mom taught me much too, bout the importance of dignity and pride, and i finally had all that angst and hurt and sadness and whatever rubbish pent up in me let off every step i took in the holiday. Which i think is good, since i am just THAT much happier.
Course, now logical thinking is cleared and emotional stuff is almost there, i'd just gradually deal i guess. hm. oh well.
another crappy poem, this time written on the plane.
A soft paw, a human hand
a language spoken only two can understand.
Together they dance,
in a animal-human trance,
the tamer by the tiger tamed
by amber eyes and orange-black chains.
Should she from this enchanting spell break,
or dance till the the world becomes her cage?
Things seem to have entered a different level, one where words are not as frequent yet feelings still remain heard. I guess it is a good thing. I realise however, that somewhere somehow who i used to be has disappeared, or figuratively, died. somehow the way i feel about myself is a little different, i want to fight back now, and hit hard at those who can and will hit me, when opportunity arises. Perhaps she might wake up agian one day, but i doubt in full form. I mind having my tail stepped on now, and my tolerance level has increased and decreased at the same time. I guess it means that i know what's important and what i will tolerate, and what i cannot and will not as well.
i guess, in its own way, i grew up some again.
Today was Lari-WL-Xuannie day. It was good fun, just the three of us having lunch, stoning, me and xuannie speaking kiddish, then going to arcade and being silly and playing all sorts of wierd games. I missed those times, and i really wished i cld have stayed longer, but no. Have to fly off somewhere for holiday. not that i am complaining. i really want to do some good darn SHOPPING. But really, old friends are still the best. They are those formed of memories that i will forever keep, and friendships i forever would like to maintain. I guess in a way, they are still a category apart from the others, because we can just pick up where we left off anytime,and those who are like taht are few and far in between. ^^
Oh well, better go PROPERLY check my luggage, then i'll see you guys back in 4 days. Me being me, i'll just assume that my absence prolly won't be felt much, simply because i've been horrid and not keeping in touch with lots of you anyway. So, yep ^^
take care folks :)
And you know what, starting to have all these things and pple coming back into my life again really makes me feel so much happier. Yes, i'm pretty much exhausted at the end of the 2 days so far, running everywhere, but it feels SO good. Because right now, i feel like a busy bumble bee that can literally humm its way to sleep, and i know i'd sleep with that tiny contented smile often found on babies at night after feeding. Hm. ok. wierd analogy.
I missed alot of stuff, but i'm getting it back. And for what little i've tasted so far, you can bet, that i
I'm TOTALLY game for more.
So bring it on!
A little smthg i did in Owen's footsteps...Ten Top Trivia Tips about Larissa!
i will never let the world hurt me that much ever again.
I think i've grown alot over the past few days. Which is good. i also think i've gotten a lot stronger now. I find more reason to hit out than just stand there and cry. Which solves a lot of problems really.
Today was bike day with Shirin and Xuannie. I feel tired but happy. HAppy that i exercised my fat limbs, and happy because i spent the day at the beach. The sea looked luminous though, and choppy. It seemed to reflect how i felt the past few days. But more importantly, spending good time with friends, over soup and waffles, after such a long time, could never ever be better.
A little poem that i composed today, ( bear with me)
It was hot as summer,
and just you and I,
you and I,
The wind spoke of
sweet promises, loving
words.
Words exchanged only between
you and I.
And the rains came,
whilst it was still you and I,
You and I.
The wind spoke of
Washed-away promises, cold
words
Words exchanged between
you and I.
And now we stand
just you and I,
You and I.
At the edge of a cliff,
Waiting for the sweet words, loving
truth,
that once existed between
You and I
I wish to heaven that i did not land where i was today, because out of my own choices i let myself become a weakling. I used to be dependant on my family, yes, but at the very least when things screwed up i cld depend on my own heart to make myself feel better. It seems now i even lack taht will power. Each time i get happy and believe i am, something or someone says somethign taht totally pops the bubble. I tell myself everyday to have faith, more confidence, but i can't, because my gut feeling tells me that i am losing him. But perhaps it is the way that i am behaving that pushes him off that far. I don't know what to do anymore, i just feel lost. Lost and dead. I know everyone is helping, and i really do appreciate the measure of distraction you guys have been offering me, but right now i just want someone to come and hug me and tell me that everything will be alright. Someone to hold me whilst i cry shamelessly and then forget about this all. I want to move on, but things are making me feel unable to do so. My fear is, if i cut my own strings, maybe then, too, he might just lose me forever, because of the psychological barriers created to prevent myself from returning to that state. Then agian, i guess, there is always development, and i will learn i once more, what it meant to have a life of my own.
I'm afraid and i am scared. No one seems to be giving me anything positive to encourage me. Everyone tells me to prepare for the worst. Maybe i should just shut out the world and live in my own mind. But right now, my own mind agrees with them. i wish i could just yell STOP and the world would stop. But it doesn't. Life has to go on. Maybe, just maybe, i should have just left when i wanted to. But i know that if i did that, i'd prolly regret for life. So now, i'm stuck in my boat, and i hope to death taht i won't sink with it. Because if i do, i think, that for me, death will be not an option, it would be the reality of who i am.
wounded, burnt and scalded.
Life once lived, love now lost,
Soft beating gradually stills for forever.
Heart of flesh, heart of blood,
bandaged, carefully attended.
Life resurrected, love remains
from the ashes the Phoenix rises again.
I don't even know why i make myself so unhappy. Seriously. it was so much easier for me to bounce around and bounce and bounce and bounce. People used to think i was too happy. Today i was just sitting tehre and i realised that i hadn't been seriously happy in a really long while. As in, deliriously happy happy =x i don't think its anything else, but cos i let things get to me and then i get down and everything piles up and i'm inevidently crushed beyond the help of any form of chocolate or ice cream. Or ocean breeze. But today was good. I just stood there and stared at the stars for a real long time. It felt better after a while, seeing them twinkle softly above. Sometimes i think they carry an inexplicable secret that they can never tell us, that they keep beyond that mystic shine about us and our existence.
Today was chilli crab seafood dinner with my aunt and cousins. It reminded me of the old days where me and Max used to sit on the wall at No Signboard, and suck at our ice-cubes post dinner and watch the orange sun slowly sink behind the clouds. idle banter and full tummies. Those days rocked, i thought less, worried less, felt less, and was happy. Nowadays i try too hard to make myself smile when i look in the mirror. I guess i shld just let go and try to be happy, but it seems every corner i turn, another thorn gets pushed into my palm, or in places where it'd hurt the most.
which brings me to my crucial question: can i ever make myself feel happy again? i wish to death i'd find my bounce back. i seem to have lost it, and i don't know why.
still warm from before
remniscent of the quick soft steps
of fools dancing under stars.
Soft moist lips
still warm from before
reminiscent of the quick soft kisses
of fools dancing under the stars.
Live as you used to girl, relive those times. Life was more than one thing alone, believe that once more.
You'll be fine. Just remember to smile. The footwork will come naturally once again.
I have never met such rude people in my life. For one thing, i'm performing for you a service i'm not even obligated to do, OUTSIDE my office hours. And secondly, i am not intimidated by the usage of hokkien phrases, and Lastly, teh fact that you tell me that my aunt's mother-in-law passing away has nothing to do with her flying out, and thus being unable to attain for you teh watch taht you SO must have is positively RUDE and INSENSITIVE
on a brighter note, this
Introducing the ultimate chocolate drink: ice milo + hershey's chocolate syrup.
It is the ULTIMATE drink. This gave me like a SUPER chocolate high. ITs damn good! TRY IT!!!!
LALALALLALA. I'm happy.
~* yum yum yum
