+ Just a step away from paradise

yeah, another template with a lily on it

stolen off luke, as per normal. =) i currently sit here with many blistered feet that seem to ache with a soft sort of pain, one that i can't yelp at but can't ignore either. my stupid new shoes. sigh.

[1] I have read a lot of books.
[2] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
[ ] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[] I have been to Canada.
[ ] I have been to Europe.
[3] I have watched cartoons for hours.
[4] I have tripped UP the stairs.
[5] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
[ ] I have been snowboarding/skiing.
[6] I have played ping pong.
[7] I swam in the ocean.
[ ] I have been on a whale watch.
[8] I have seen fireworks.
[9] I have seen a shooting star.
[ ] I have seen a meteor shower.
[10] I have almost drowned.
[ 11] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.
[12] I have listened to one CD over and over and over again.
[ ] I have had stitches.
[ ] I have had frostbite.
[ ] I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there.
[13] I have stayed up 'til 2 doing homework/projects.
[14] I currently have a job.
[15] I have been ice skating.
[16] I have been roller blading.
[ 17] I have fallen flat on my face.
[18 ] I have tripped over my own two feet. [ Hell yeah i have =_= ]
[ ] I have been in a fist fight.
[19] I have played video games for more than 3 hours straight.
[20] I have watched the Power Rangers.[ Wooooo.... childhood favourite. yeah. i still have a video]
[ 21] I attend Church regularly.
[22] I have played truth or dare.
[23] I have already had my 16th birthday.
[24] I have already had my 17th birthday.
[25] I've called someone stupid.
[26] I've been in a verbal argument. [although i do miss the professional ones sigh]
[ ] I've played basketball on a team.
[ ] I've played baseball on a team.
[ ] I've played football on a team.
[ ] I've played soccer on a team.
[ ] I've done cheerleading on a team.
[ ] I've played softball on a team.
[ ] I've played volleyball on a team.
[ ] I've played tennis on a team.
[ ] I've been on a track or cross country team.
[27] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
[ ] I've bungee jumped.
[28] I've climbed a rock wall.
[] I've lost more than $20.
[29] I've called myself an idiot.
[30] I've called someone else an idiot.
[ ] I've had (or have) pets.
[ ] I've owned a spice girls CD.
[] I've owned a Britney Spears CD.
[ ] I've owned an N*Sync CD.
[ ] I've owned a backstreet boys CD.
[ ] I've mooned someone.
[31] I have sworn at someone of authority before.
[] I've been in the newspaper.
[ ] I've been on TV.
[ ] I've been to Hawaii.
[32] I've eaten sushi.(Love it!)
[33 ] I've been on the other side of a waterfall. (B-E-A-Utiful)
[] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
[34 ] I've watched all the Harry Potter movies.
[ ] I've watched all of the Rocky movies.
[ ] I've watched the 3 stooges.
[ 35] I've watched "Newlyweds" Nick & Jessica. [hey i was bored]
[36] I've watched Looney Tunes.
[ ] I've been stuffed into a locker/I have stuffed others into lockers.
[37] I've been called a geek.
[ ] I've studied hard for a test and got a bad grade.
[38] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it.
[ ] I've hugged my mom within the past 24 hrs.
[ ] I've hugged my dad within the past 24 hours.
[39] I've met a celebrity/music artist.
[40] I've written poetry. [ trash yes i know ^^;; ]
[ ] I've been arrested.
[ ] I've been attracted to someone much older than me.
[ ] I've been tickled till I've cried.
[ ] I've tickled someone else until they cried.
[41] I've had/have siblings.
[ ] I've been to a rock concert.
[ ] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it. (Sorry T!)
[42] I've been in a play. [ oh my kindy memories as the apple tree]
[ 43] I've been picked last in gym class.
[ ] I've been picked first in gym class.
[44] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class. (I think)
[45] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages
[ ] I've played/completed Halo 2.
[ ] I've freaked out over a sports game.
[46 ] I've been to Alaska.
[47] I've been to China.
[ ] I've been to Spain.
[48] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've had a fight with someone on AIM MSN.
[ ] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face.
[49] I've had serious conversations on any IM.
[50] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me.
[51] I've been forgiven.
[52 ] I've screamed at a scary movie. [ scream yelp hide. you name it, i've prolly done it =x ]
[ ] I've cried at a chick flick.
[53] I've watched a lot of action movies. [once upon a time]
[54] I've screamed at the top of my lungs. [ lol. roller coaster!]
[ ] I've been to a rap concert.
[ ] I've been to a hip hop concert.
[55] I've lived in more than 2 houses.
[56] I've driven on the highway/been on the highway.
[57] I've driven more than 40 miles in a day/been in a car that went more than 40 miles in a day.
[ ] I've been in a car accident.
[ ] I've done drugs.
[58] I've been homesick.
[59] I've thrown up.
[60] I've puked on someone. [ yep. all over my little sister =_= ]
[61] I've been horseback riding. [ cried all the way too. silly me]
[62] I've filled out more than 10 myspace/LJ surveys.
[63] I've spoken my mind in public.
[64] I've proved someone wrong. (hooo yeahhh)
[65] I've been proven wrong by someone. (yeah. quite a few times too *sulks*)
[ ] I've broken a leg.
[ ] I've broken an arm/fingers.
[ 66] I've fallen off a swing. [ right off and got my head thwacked too. ooooch ]
[67] I've swung on a swing for more than 30 minutes straight.[ loved every minute of it :)]
[ 68] I've watched Winnie the Pooh movies.
[ ] I've forgotten my backpack when I've gone to school.
[ ] I've lost my backpack.
[ ] I've come close to dying. (i don't think my 40 degree fever counted)
[ ] I've seen someone die.
[69] I've known someone who has died.
[ ] I've wanted to be an actor/actress at some point.
[ ] I've done modeling.
[70] I've forgotten to brush my teeth some mornings.
[71] I've taken something/someone for granted.
[72] I've realized how good my life is.
[73] I've counted my blessings. [ only thing that keeps me happy when i'm down ]
[ ] I've made fun of a classmate.
[ 74] I've been asked out by someone and I said no. [ not that it was particularly flattering though ]
[75] I've slapped someone in the face.
[ ] I've been skateboarding.
[76] I've been back stabbed by someone I thought was a friend.
[77] I've lied to someone to their face.
[78] I've told a little white lie.
[79] I've taken a day off from school just so I don't go insane.
[ ] I've fainted.
[ ] I've had an argument with someone about whether cheerleading is a sport or not.
[80] I've pushed someone into a pool.
[81] I've been pushed into a pool.

To my utmost horror and trepidation, i have realised my house has just EMPTIED itself of MILO. It could not have been a more perfect drink to have at this point in time, given the slighltly cold weather + aircon (yes, i am one of those purported aircon babies :) ) and then we ran out ='( which means i shall be deprived for the next day or so till the groceries appear magically once more and the nice plastic tupperware is filled with my lovely green milo packets.

Alas, i settle for milk instead, which has unfortunately made me colder. As some of you would know (however unpleasantly*grin*) my hands are usually very cold when its cold, so right now i'm exceptionally tempted to go put on my mittens and type, as i have many a lecture in le olde school , cept its impossible to write and type when my fingers are knobbly encased in nice soft wool and made to feel like erm, well, thick and unflexible.

I've been meaning to move this blog, but woe me! i realised that i am a complete nut at image hosting and html etc etc etc so i'll have to go learn and do all that before i actly get to a new blog template and hence a new blog (and those lazy bones in my body are already revolting at that idea.)

Sometimes i wonder why i am the way i am, then i realised that it doesn't matter, cos i love me anyway, so there (utterly random statement of no relevance whatsoever. Do do ignore)

(ahahha. looks like rambling because i don't feel like i can do anything else right now. )

Someone who sees like a child
Gives like a saint
Feels like an angel,
nevermind the broken wings
and
Speaks like a picture
Cries like the rain
Shines like a star
as long as the Fire remains.

" and she was so beautiful that he fell in love with her at first sight"

There. The common line in any fairy tale, any childhood story one might have read about a girl and a prince. Any girl hopes for a fairy-tale romance, for that love that would sweep her off her feet and bestow her with happiness and contentment for eternity. I do not deny that yes, once upon a time i wanted that too, and in my own funny way, want that now. I never believed in love at first sight, largely because i believed that 'loving' a person the minute you set eyes on them seems to be pretty illogical, more lustful that loving. I believe in love over time, where you learn to love a person through prolonged interaction and care. I guess that is why Beauty and the Beast appealed to me that much as a child. But love to me is complete acceptance, that sees you as beautiful and perfect (no matter how flawed you are), the ability to give unconditionally and freely, against all odds, against sometimes, your own beliefs. The type of love that could overcome any amount of hate and anger and hurt, the type that forgives no matter what, no matter when, no matter how deep the wound. I find myself increasingly able to do that for you, just cry whenever something hurts or smarts (yes i do cry at the drop of a hat on these occasions) sleep it off and tmr everything seems fine and dandy again. Perhaps it is ridiculous to expect similar when we give what we think others want of us in these situations, but i guess that's where our biggest failing lies. We love as we want ourselves to be loved, but not necessarily how the recipient might. That's where breakdown occurs, that's where problems spring from. The ignorance of what the opposite wants and thus gives that stimulates dissatisfaction, that rebukes effort.

Sometimes i wonder why i want so much for the acceptance of self, then i realised that it was to fulfil that subconscious need to belong. I never really thought i fit in anywhere in my childhood and my youth. I always thought in some measure i was an oddball because i never really could talk to anyone, never really had pple i could really consider friends, in the personal, warm sense. I had people that made fun of me, toyed with my highs and my lows for their own entertainment. Maybe i wanted too much, i don't know. I guess that is why whenever i look at the pple i have for friends now i am exceptionally grateful, because these are the pple that remind me i am not the alien i thought i was, who love me for who i am. I guess that is why i feel hypersensitive towards comments about me from other pple, especially those i really care about, because i do not want to return to the possibility of me being that alien that can't communicate with others. i am guilty of mixing criticism or comments with unacceptance too often, perhaps due to my aforementioned definition of what love is to me. Perhaps unspoken negative opinion is what i believe only makes up acceptance, but that may not be true. And yet i cling to it the way a baby clings on to its mother - like a child eternally dependant on that for survival. I guess that's why i react so strongly to criticism, desiring of the acceptance i can never seem to attain. That makes me feel so insecure about the pple that matter. No matter how they tell me the idea of love seems to already have been undermined.

My childhood longings seem to have defined my outer interactional desires. Perhaps i should break out of that mould, stop being a child and try to redefine love again. But it seems then, that no matter how hard i try, it can't stop those longings from resurfacing. I'm too conscious of my flaws, too believing of the failure of self to be acceptable to others, because i was only their plaything, their clown. I guess these scars will stay within, but right now, i just wish they'd heal and disappear. Then maybe i'd not be the horror that i sometimes think i am.

sometimes i'd wish i'd find the place where i belong. too often do i feel like a lost sheep with nowhere to go. Sometimes i do, other times i feel like i know, but stumbling blocks leave me unsure But then again, maybe i'm being the perfect attention whore by dramatising everything right now^^;;. Least i got that out of my system. Then i can stop tossing and turning and get my aching head the rest it needs. its bloody hell nearly 2 am. urgh.

Today was a tiring but happy day, in an odd sort of way. Although i must say friday and saturday made the sky nice and bright for me, even with the rain.

I like my long train rides. In fact i've taken to it quite well. I like looking at the trees and the foreign scenery, its like going on a small adventure into places i've never been before ( okay i do admit in my 18 years of life i have not ever set foot on Ubin outside OBS). Lately my head gets filled with thoughts of pretty clouds i'd love to watch and the feel of sprinkled raindrops and soft sunshine on my face. I'd often wonder of what would have happened if i lived differently and made certain different choices. Would i be where i am today?

I find the pleasure of having good sales exceptionally satisfying. Its a nice experience to say the least. Course, i'd be happier to see my paycheck ^^ Mmmmm.... i want to go to ikea soon, to get nice pretty boxes. I also want meatballs. Lately i seem to want to buy myself some things. Perhaps i feel deprived. And yet in all this mess i have yet to finish the pouches i wanted to make for everybody, or the message book i was supposed to finish.

tut. horrible procrastinator aren't i? oh well.

Drunken, she steps
shakily druggedly misguidedly
each step as unsure
as the last.
She twirls waltzes spins
on an invisible axis that slowly
spins in her heart.

Oh! what sweet pleasure
so beautiful one could never want it
to stop.
She knots twists tangles
enraptured in the yarn that slowly
ties her up.

Tears pain sorrow
emotions conflicting in her soul,
squeezes the knots the twists the tangles
squeezes her softly beating heart.
She writhes wriggles wounded
from the dagger planted deep
unconsciously in her heart.

Joyful, she steps
softly slowly but surely
each step more certain
than the last.
She twirls waltzes spins
for the young man that has
won over her wounded loving heart.