+ Just a step away from paradise

yeah, another template with a lily on it

I feel really happy lately. Its a soft kind of euphoria, where your whole heart and mind gets suffused in this nice warm glow that radiates infinite heat and warmth, like someone is cuddling you wherever you go. I like it ^^

Incomplete life now perfection
attained.
Two matching souls click together
in union, with the
intertiwining of hands.

AAaargh! AAarrgghhh... Why all these sudden last minute changes, that have just about RUINED everything. On the bright side, things still can be salvaged. in assumption of course, that me wearing what i am is still acceptable. Hm. Although i would it were otherwise. Hm. Oh well. shucks.

I find the idea of intrusion into other people's lives or interactions rather discomforting. There's nothing worse than sitting in a room knowing so much more could be said without your presence there. Its like becoming this physical barrier that just inhibits interaction. It can get depressing, but that's just me.

I get very afraid when lapses happen in conversation. Perhaps i am a bit too much of a chatterbox who much prefers constant banter, but sometimes, quietness scares me. Albeit like i always say, if we have the luck to be happy stoning together, it is perfectly fine to have short periods of silence to enjoy that luxury - comfortable silence. Other times it just brings out the insecurity in me - its as if bells go off saying - SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG. but i guess that isn't really true, and that people all need their tiny lapses of silence where they converse alone with their brain and heart. I know i do that too.

Me being exceptionally naughty today though, ended up running early out of court instead of staying where i should due to the lack of entertainment value previously found the day before. Rather, i took to occasional short naps that left me to the inevitable conclusion that to appear less ill-mannered and better alive i should just leave so as to avoid embarassing others further. Hence i fled the arena, only to realise that i am much un-laboured here as i was there, although admittedly less
susceptible to the sandman's wiles.

On another note, i find my behaviour much unlike that of the desired working class. And i should really get used to being alone, and on my own. I can't perpetuall behave like a helpless child. Sigh.
One thing still eludes me though - somehow or other, i don't feel that happy being an adult. There are certain things about me i just don't want to lose, and i know i will eventually lose when i get older.

Hm. there you go. Me running away from things i know i can never run from. tut.

Oh well.

Today was a nice dayy, just me and a few good books, a cup of milo and cushions and my turtle. positively charming to sit there lazing with nothing to do hearing the soft pitter-patter of the rain on the window sill. i now sigh in quiet contentment at the one luxury day i've been granted ( although yes i was forced to stay at home).

I like rain, it reminds me of nature in its soft melancholic moods, that takes away the large burning imprint of its heated happiness. It helps bring me to those conclusions that life is full of ups and downs, like the sc school song used to say - "after the rain the sun, after the sun the rain" . That's what makes life completely, that constant change of seasons and of weather, that keeps us from sinking into monotonous boredom. If i wasn't recovering from my minor bout of cold i think i would have been off puddle splooshing and standing there feeling the soft drizzle gently descending upon my face.

today, i was reminded of nature in its soft blue-grey hues, slowly sipping my milo and contemplating the musical sounds of the rain. Music so soft, so sweet, for a while there all i could do was sit and smile softly at the blue splendour of nature in its soft yet serene melancholy. I felt so soothed, now i'm insanely happy, in an odd sort of way.

mmm... those sweet tears from heaven

sometimes its wierd that you sit and realise it takes so much effort ( muscles, mechanisms etc.) to breathe, yet you feel ever greatful that it still happens seemingly effortlessly, because its what keeps you going. I guess that's the way some other things are too. Sometimes it gets really trying, and you feel like stopping altogether. Then you realise that you can't do without it. it is essential to your existence and is the one thing that you celebrate as a daily miracle. I guess that's how i feel about things now.

A lot of times i wonder why I let my tongue run away without me so much, that say things that contrast so much with what goes on in my heart. I try to smile even when i'm hurting, try to run away from the things i know i can never run from, try to laugh when all i really want to do is run to a corner and cry. Perhaps i like appearances too much for my own good, and cannot accept fear in its full-blown substance. I which many a time to have more strength, more will, but somehow it comes so little, and so few and far in between, i feel like i'm stuck midway between places, unable to go anywhere, and caught in the rain.

I want to go hide under a great tree and remember how small i am, insignificant, bring me back out of the clouds and down to the ground where i rightfully belong. I can't float as I used to anymore. Give me the humility to admit my faults and try again. I cannot afford to let go. I've given too much, and for some strange reason, i feel like i've just thrown a boomerang, and it curled back and hit me with twice the foce of the initial throw.

Tell me, what have i done?

as usual, something stolen off luke =)

My ex is potentially under another tank somewhere out there.
Maybe I should go find more things to do to stop feeling so free.
I love Jeremy
I don't understand why my life can be a soap opera almost everyday
I lose my glasses every evening. which means i aimlessly (and blindly) grope around, fretting.
People say I'm too soft
Love is not blind. it sees all, and does not mind.
Somewhere, someone is celebrating a birthday! (ok. where that came from i never will know... )
I will always be clumsy and klutzy the wrong times.
Forever is what i want to spend with you =)
I never want to go on something remotely to do with heights or extreme speed things. too much.
I think the current US president is in need of some serious help.
When I wake up in the morning I feel like going back to sleep and hugging turtle tighter.
My past was something i forget selectively.
I get annoyed when people are mean and hurtful.
Parties are for fun when you have time to have it.
Kisses are the best form of affection to show :) other than hugs of course.
Tomorrow, I have to work. hoo boy. but there's RJ concert *beams*
I really want to be with you
I have low tolerance for incompetence.

so today just wasn't my day. Tough luck.

sometimes i wish pple could just
understand what i try to say.
putting words in my mouth is not the way.
still, i find myself
forced
to do things against my own will.

the pain of knowing that you have failed someone that matters so much is equivalent to a million needles inserted into bare skin, insignificant in the great scheme of things, but great enough to squeeze your heart and shatter it in a million different ways.

i cannot begin to explain the amount of embarassment i feel, to a point where i do not believe i can ever lift my head to stare at the sun again. I am a proud creature, more than enough examples on a scroll to prove it, and where i thought i knew i was able and willing to do, i failed, most spectacularly, and incredibly.

Perhaps the pain i feel everywhere now is psychological, and i know that instead of wallowing in it as i do now i shld go do something about it, which is what i intend to do, after indulging myself for a while (yes, i know i am a brat about it, but i fully believe in excercising my right to cry when it best relieves me) tomorrow i will venture alone to sort out myself and my thoughts, and teach my prideful heart a proper lesson.

i cannot ask for the hand that was hurt to hold mine and comfort me whilst nursing its own wounds. It is too much to ask, as well as beyond me to even utter as a request or accept as an offer. i also find it impossible to seek immediate reconciliation. In all truth and honesty i scarcely believe i deserve the comfort, wielding the knife as i did, much less deserved a proper existence as i do now. no i am not suicidal. That's rather cowardly a way of dealing with things, and i know that if i run only destruction of self and relationships will follow. I just need to be alone. I will do what i have to do tomorrow, but my mind will do its own walking behind its usual smokescreen.

pain consumes me, standing sitting or staring here. limbo. i guess that i have just acquainted myself with what it means.