+ Just a step away from paradise

yeah, another template with a lily on it

AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhh.

yeah. that's all i've got to say.

~* one day left to oblivion

i feel a need to busy myself, to not feel the strength of time's imprint on my life. I want to go spend some money on nice skirts and tops and perhaps a little bling, but i also want to save. Life currently feels like water running past my toes, merely brushing over them, removing my imprints on the sand. I feel like i'm barely living, very much out of the loop of things. I want to stop feeling needy, feeling like i desire attention when i can do things on my own. I want to start making things again, having fun that doesn't cost me and yet brings me unending delight. I want nice chats with people by a quiet river or poolside with a tub of ice cream and lots of laughter. I want to see those soft sherry eyes brimming with delight as they gaze at me over a cup of coffee, sharing private thoughts no one else can understand. i want to people watch again, like i used to, with someone or just alone, seeing people with kind faces laugh over coffee or observing all the wierd idiosyncracies of the self-possessed population. I want to see the sun rise over the ocean, and the stars glisten over me at night.

i want to feel like i'm part of the world again.

~* will there be any testament to my holiday at all?

Apparently i am too obsessive about certain things. I find it hard to believe, because i don't feel it. But point being, if i find that insufficient as it is, is it my fault. I will, inadvertantly do as she suggests, largely because she still dictates my freedom. Everyone else seems to suggest obsessiveness, yet i wonder how true it is. The man in the ring feels differently from the man watching outside. Why then, do people impose their perceptions on me, when i try to point out they don't know enough to comment. People have the right to live their lives the way they believe best. I am not the puppet for u to control, and you believe that i am living my life unhealthily, and say that i have an excuse for everything. its not a bloooming excuse, its the truth. I don't feel that it is a lot, its not a permanent distraction and i do not revolve around it. stop trying to psychoanalyse my mind. You don't know enough to. i hate it when appearance versus reality occurs.

But now then, which is appearance, and which is reality? sometimes, i wonder if our blind spots are what others see.

Sometimes i wonder if i ask too much as a child. Independence is smthg i want to gain, freedom something i crave. Yet, my unclipped wings are often clipped by obligation. I am gettting really tired of the control they choose to exercise over my life, from the number of hours i go out to who i am with, to what i do. What is wrong with choosing to spend 10 hours of a day with someone, if that is all they get in a week? what is wrong with choosing to stay out of the house, since i don't have a reason to be at home. sigh. i don't know la. Its bloody annoying, and i am bloody pissed off.

Do i ask too much of them to just let me be free?

Perhaps i let it take too much control of my life. Perhaps i shouldn't have focussed so much on it. There is a strange emptiness i feel inside sometimes, as if that fullness of life i used to have had disappeared. I used to be able to feel a bit of everything.

What has happened to me now?

~* the painting stared silently at her, who stared silently back.

Oh well. Its been quite a while. I've got lots of precious precious memories of valentines, which i shall not blare out here for it belongs to my own heart to rmb, and i'd doubt people would want to know anyway. Still, i don't need a day to tell someone i love him. Its smthg that i want to do 365 days a year 24/7.

Love exists in many forms, of which the rarest and purest is that of the unconditional. And i find that it is the happiest form as well. I won't say that i'm giving such love, not always, because its only human to expect things in return for that which is given, but i believe i'm getting there. and that's one thing i am happy about. Because bit by bit, i realise that being able to give in any way, reciprocation or not, makes me happiest.

Oh oh! do this for me can people? its interesting, and helps character development. just click the link at the bottom of the entry!

Tell me! <- click here =)

Do you dare?? <- try try if u want ^^

~* and i keep on moving, even against the flow.

i am very very very annoyed.

I have also decided not to talk to anyone in my bloody family right now

I am not your blooody punching bag. And i'm not your bloody puppet.

I guess its true. A vase once broken leaves only shards as its remains. As you try and pick up those shards, sometimes, you get cut. But you still have to clean it up anyway, with your own bare hands. There will be many vases to break as we move on in life. As i learn to pick up the pieces of this one - one that has been left too long and has cut the feet that stubbornly walk over it in the process - I realise that new perceptions form, new detachments occur. Certain pieces have caused my hands to be tainted a deep, angry red. Others have already disintegrated into nothingness.

I guess everyone has to grow up someday. i am taking baby steps, but yes, i too, have begun.

~* breaking the bonds of old.

i love rainy days. Perfect days to be doing nothing but getting cosy on a bed, just chit chatting or reading a good book with a cup of hot chocolate close by, the rain cascading down in sheets against the window. Pity i had to drag myself out and get alll blustered up by pelting rain and winds blowing my umbrella askew.

But i still believe that today would have been a perfect day to just lounge on my bed. Absolutely perfect.

I find myself disgusted with my bratty tendencies. Increasingly i wonder how i could regress to such points. but that's No matter. Sometimes I feel that i ask for too much in life, to want to have my cake and eat it as i do now. I would my mind be less complicated, less ambitious. That way i would want less and be contented easier. And yet i find it not in my nature to think and settle with simplicity. It seems to suit me ill - when i decide not to think at all and just forget abt complications i descend into complete bimbotism. Maybe i should just take one step at a time, not worry about what would happen, how it would happen. I know He will be there for me, that He has a plan. I've put in my bit, and there's nothing more i can do about it. I have lived my life the way i felt was best. I may not think i have everything, but for the little that has been dished out to me, i find immense gratitude and a strong protectiveness over it.

Some things i just find i cannot give up, no matter how hard i try. So i really really hope there is a way out of all this.

i find my current indulgence in Royce chocolates rather deplorable. They are good no doubt, and positively one of the best chocolates i've ever tasted, but me eating them a bit too often - deplorable.

On another note, i find myself increasingly frustrated over my own side of things. Perhaps in my world, i've always been giving more than receiving in most of my relationships with people. In these scenarios that places me often in a position where i can just be myself and be perfectly happy with the status quo. I guess, being placed in an opposite scenario utterly confuses me. I cannot put to words how frustrated I really feel, that somehow or other things never seem to turn out right, that i never give enough. i have many questions, none of which i can find answers to. Many a time i wonder whether or not i have lost myself. Sometimes i fall into small short spurts of anger and annoyance, at other points a melancholy depression that disappears as i banish thoughts from my mind. I do not think i have the right to be angry, and yet, i find little reason to suggest that i shouldn't be at least a teensy bit annoyed.

Nowadays i wonder what it is to love someone. We all give in our own ways, reciprocate with different responses. I was always confident that i expressed enough with mine. It is unfortunate however, that i have been falsely led by myself. In real truth, i have been completely inadequete, an unskilled amateur in the art of loving a person. And suddenly, the road in front of me feels scary. It seems much longer now, and i find myself not knowing where exactly to begin.