+ Just a step away from paradise

yeah, another template with a lily on it

wheee.. my com is back to life!!! ^^ Thanks super much Kai =) it was very very nice of u to come and help .

oh well. last week of mugging before A's come along. DIE DIE DIE... now i'm oging iinto protected time, which should have worked if this darned pc didn't screw up and required fixing =_=. fiddlesticks

kkz...tonight die die must finish reading through international history notes, so tmr i can go happily do my essays. looks like i won't get to sleep much. just drink lots and lots of tea... wheeeeeeeeeeeeee....

mugger mode switches on!

~* i will strive against the tide if i have to

wouldn't it be nice to have a rewind button in life?

sometimes having this fear of failure is scary. it would be good perhaps, to be able to rewind, so you can in some measures escape or change things. But at the same time, i realise this means we're robbed of the value of experience. Oh well. I think in this measure we are all products of the state. We fear failure, try to avoid it at all costs, we don't want to think about the alternative possibilities that will bring u elsewhere when something else screws up. We just want that thing. We fear the worst in exams, fear having to take an alternative to the desired route. Perhaps it would have been better to have gone back to when this all began - somehow i think, that would have given many a better, more valued life than what they have now. Children would be less stressed for one thing, and our lives less narrow and competitive.

i guess failure is a scary thing, but beyond that, having the courage to transcend that makes a real person. Perhaps falling down isn't too bad a thing to go through. Learning to pick myself up has beena difficult process, but after that, i realised how much stronger i became when i accepted that truth. I made the best of my life in SA, and i think i got quite a lot out of it. it wasn't the best i could have been offered, but i guess i should say thank you for all the rest it has brought me. Friendships, opportunities, growth.

Thank you then, for giving me all these for the past 2 years. its been a hell of a ride learning here.

~* footprints that left my tracks in the sand

AS you all have seen i now have a new pet.. since its either the animal or the mother in the house, and Larissa simply cannot have tiger cubs running around (or any big cat cubs) even though she would love to have them ( they just look abosolutely adorable, don't you think.? ) a tiger reserve would be heaven to me in most aspects, and i get to satisfy my craving for gorgeous animals that can be aboslutely adorable. oh well. for now, my erm... white tiger will have to do. and you know what? ITS SO CUTE!!! ( ok. for the benefit of your reading pleasure my gushing shall stop here. )

take care folks...

~* just another stop along the way

The rain's pelting my window in sheets. its quite therapeutic, looking at how the water just slides down my window. i guess the 'rain dance' that Thel and me did last weds was a little too effective, although delayed for our greater purposes. dang.

Oh well.... online to write some more history essays. Its 14 days to A levels. FOURTEEN. i'm starting to feel like i've pressed all the wrong buttons and i'm spewing out nonsense. Cos even if i'm productive i don't fully feel like i know what i'm blabbering about. i'm just churning out stuff i think makes sense. blah. (and it doesn't help that ur teachers tell you by now you're supposed to grasp EVERYTHING). maybe its my own insecurities at work ( i do not think i'm particularly exam friendly at all)

and yes, if you haven't realised yet, i'm already in panic mode. i'm mugging overtime tonite. die die have to finish WH. good thing is, i can sleep in tmr =) wheeee...

Mug on everyone! we'll finish this race before we even realise it. ganbatte ne!

Going through a self-evaluation phase..... things that are coming up are quite interesting

figures.

Questions u can help me answer:

is doing what you want considered selfish when pple comment against it but they don't know everything?

is caring too much for someone to the point where u allow them to dictate what u do (and u are usually happy abt it anyway) good?'

am i a pushover? ( and don't tell me too nice. its just a nice way of putting it. lolx)

i never did ask to be the favourite flower on the window sill, did not, and don't want to be.

so stop pretending that u think its my fault so you can take it out on me that someone else SEEMS to have less love showered on them. I never caused it, nor wanted it to be this way. Even then, the guilt is already running in my veins, even though it shouldn't, because i never pandered to such attention before, so stop making me feel like i've caused the world's greatest capacity by making me live in an ice box for no darn good reason.

You've done it many a number of times, no matter how often u see me roll my eyes at that comment, and i know you know deep down inside that i don't go seeking for attention. You just refuse to recognise it so that you have a convenient punching bag when your overreactions kick in.

so stop taking it out on my with sarcastic comments about how well i'm being treated.

Polygamy has added more problems in family structures. and you know what? i hate the way its impacted mine.

just stop this trash, all of you.

~* is it too much to ask for equality?

The road not taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry i could not travel both
And be one traveller, long i stood
And looked down one as afar as i could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim.
because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I koep the first for another day!
YEt knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if i should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less travelled by
And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost

Was reading Frost for a bit of relaxation when this poem struck a chord in my brain. Taking a path less gone by, less considered. would that in itself bring more value to my life? What would my life have been if i travelled otherwise? Life is funny. When u make certain choices, you never realise how it impacts or would impact u later until that 'later' happens right under ur nose. Then u go 'wow.' what would have happened otherwise? SOmetimes, we question a lot why certain things happen to us, then we realise that all things happen for a reason, not always told to us now, but we'd find out eventually. I guess in a way, experiences change the way we look at things, changes the feelings we get when we take another step in life, makes things more treasured, gives us somethign else in exchange for what we thought we wanted ( which is, suffice to say, not always the best for us. )

Perhaps now and then, we'd stop and look at how far we've come, either with much pride, or much sadness, or stop and think, 'what would have happened if... '

Life's full of what ifs, which i like to consider for the fun of it, but i guess, what's more important is what we have in front of us now. When we learn to treasure it, no what if can compare to the worth we find in what we have.

i found something i feel worthwhile. something i feel that i would not exchange even if the world begged on its knees for me to do so. I've picked up many valuable lessons along my paths, learnt the value of the thing called love. My journey has gotten just that much more fulfilling.

Has yours?

~* each step teaches me some new thing

Wheee... i have no idea why i'm feeling so amazingly high today. bit wierd to be feeling strangely happy for no good darn reason. oh well. figures.

on another level, reality of the A-levels approaching is setting it. urgh. for a while there i wish i was back in J1.. playing. oh well. nvm. i'll get over this, then i'll be home free. for a bit. lalalalaa...

i'm mad, and i have no idea why... wheeee....

~*perhaps i took too much chocolate in my dreams.

sometimes when you feel something is missing by virtue of the fact that someone is not there, you realise what it means to love someone to the point where that persons becomes part of what completes you. i realised that today. I seriously have never missed someone to the point where i just put my head on the table and wail in the confines of my head.

on another level, i kinda realised moods at home have this magic effect of disappearing and reappearing. fairly amusing, the changes in weather. if i don't buffer myself properly, i might just fall sick. grah. i hate equipping myself with all sorts of emotional padding. it makes me feel like a person who's on 24/7. no break. aaarrghhh

and for the upteemth time, i know what i'm doing. get off my back, ok. This is fair warning to anyone else who dares lecture my study habits. i cannot guarantee i will not rail your ear off - i'm getting annoyed as it is.

~* does my progress mean nothing to you?!?!

once again, technology ABHORS me.
For some strange reason, my phone does not allow me to message certain persons. Its odd. ANd extremely inconvenient, really. I just hope that tmr it suddenly works again and i won't be deprived of my communication becuase of a temperamental phone habit.

drat it. now its restarting and restarting itself. I think my phone is either seriously screwed or i am exceptionally lacking in giving it attention so it does so to attract/frustrate me

i.hate.technology.

really.

~*what happened to those good old days where things actually worked properly?

i think blown glass is very pretty - each piece of ornament or jewelry created is unique and never twinned, no matter how similar they may look. Its kinda like people i guess, unique, individually created, and at the same time fragile.

moving away from that, i think it best to really just let go of everything and smile. no point grousing i guess, just do what i have to do and fulfil my responsibilities the best i can. its like standing on the beach and letting the tide come in, sweeping past your feet and up to your knees. It'd recede after a while anyway. yupp. just let it come and go. i'll learn from it, and become stronger anyway =)

on another note, things i am happy about :
1) i'm not coughing anymore(means i can access all the desserts and stuff again)
2) i'm addicted to mugging ( though more to you)
3) i think i grew a little taller.

yupp. count my blessings i will =)

~* i'll smile and be happy, just because of you

so everyone is a little stressed, and i happen to be a walking target board. fine.

does anyone consider the fact that i'm blooming stressed too?!?!

grah. so i annoy one of u, and i get hit triple. i don't annoy one of u and someone else does, and i suffer the same punishment.

i do not like feeling like a round board painted in black and white thankewverymuch.

~* sure sure. maybe the next time u hit u'll get a bullseye

I have a memory, too precious to blog about. I thank all of you for helping me create it and letting me have it. For a birthday present, it exceeded all else i could possibly have had.

Thank you all so much, for everything. All of you, for coming, for all your wonderful presents.For everything

Most importantly Jem, thank you, for letting it all happen. *hug* ily.

~* in the treasure chest of memories, this is the crowning glory

wierd. things are just plain weird. yeah.

KISS. otherwise known as Keep It Short and Sweet, as propagated by a certain gp teacher i know i will miss when i leave SA. Something i will have to rmb when writing essays

Come to think of it, i have a lot to thank that institution for, no matter how often i go on and on and on about its blooming inefficiencies. i commented to Daffy that i lived through jc finding who i am, and i think that is true. I found my identity now. not with the school of course. but somewho, in my process of learning all those things i need to get that piece of paper which is supposed to get me my job, i finally can say i know who i am, found the pieces that make me as a person. I used to think myself as a sort of wallflower, this normal, average being of no real special standout quality. now i think i can say i finally found what it means to be me. Which is a really good thing.

I know i will miss a lot of pple when i leave - miss going for cca ( i still do) - we're all a fragmented bunch now, flying here and there, going our separate ways. sometimes i wonder whether brief intertwinement is true, that we all know each other for brief sections of our lives, that the crossing of paths lasts but that small part of our lives. There are certain people i never ever want to lose touch with, and hope i never do. i guess when you make an effort, you will. hope that is true. we had fun in ikea that day. sigh. a lot of times there are moments u want to hold on to, and find that they'll slowly slip away. sometimes, having memories is bad... after a while u lose them , then where will you be?

amusing. this is SO not a short and sweet entry.

~* the flock is scattered. will they be one again?

today is one of those days when you don't have something, and then you realise how dependent you are on it.

i forgot to bring my phone today, which meant it deprived me of much needed communication, in a odd sort of way. oh well. =( i feel so stranded without my phone to at least entertain me in some measure or another =_= ... i want my phone!!! T-T its prolly the first thing i'm going to run to when i get home later.

Lately i have been getting increasingly unproductive. Amusingly, i found the conclusion to things that have been bugging my mind a bit lately as a result - on the whole notion about expectations. We all have expectations, undeniable, but what really strikes me at that point on my attitude towards it was that i fear them - not so much meeting them but having them for other people, or on something or another. i hate having my expectations not met - that feeling of disappointment is something i hate. So i concluded that it is best not to have any outside that of the basic - e.g cordiality, being civil etc etc. that way its kinda like you don't have much therefore you won't have that high a propensity to be disappointed. I don't know whether that makes sense, but it does to me. ah well. another of my wierd theories. hm. Larissa's law: people should not have expectations. thus they will not be disappointed.

But then again things crop up unexpectedly. then what happens. you'd feel disappointed anyway. oh well. can't run from it i guess ( gosh i just refuted my own theory. what rubbish. =/ )

On another note, feeling bit bleahhhh about everything lately. I'm turning 18 soon, yet somehow or other i don't see much excitement or joy surrounding it. its like, yeah, another increment in the digit. move on. its...different. When i was a child i love the fact that it was my birthday ( prolly cos of the issue of presents) that nice feeling of anticipation and well.... excitement. Now its just so... dulled in comparison. i think it quite sad that we lose that child-like ability to delight in the smallest of things. i hope i don't lose it. Starting to feel like i am now though - like being desensitized to CNY for example. hm. i wonder whether maturity really is a good thing to have sometimes. Everything else gets dulled because we know more, want more, seen more. Is more necessarily always good? perhaps our purest, wisest state of mind is when we are children. Everything seems to reflect a different dimension when you are that age. ah well. my odd-ended ramblings as usual

Lit s now. Ta...

and i still maintain that i feel incomplete without my hp. Gosh. how dependant i am on certain forms of technology. heaven help my soul.

~* let me find the answer to the riddle in my brain

lol. quiz stolen off luke's blog. again.

o1. Honestly, where are you at?- in my room, in front of the pc
o2. Honestly, what's on your mind? why can't i start working?
o3. Honestly, who do you chat with when you are online?errr... Jeremy, Adri, WL, WS, Kor.. quite a few. reallyy
o4. Honestly, what is it that you REALLY should be doing right now? History!
o5. Honestly, have you brushed your teeth today?YES. i am anal about oral hygeine. amusingly.
o6. Honestly, are you a good friend? i most certainly hope so.
o7. Honestly, do you really think going to school is all that important? yes. i need silly pieces of papers called certs to get along in life after all.
o8. Honestly, what are your dreams about mostly? WARPED. they're all warped!
o9. Honestly, what are you so happy about right now? what i have been ahppy about for the past 2 mths
1o. Honestly, what are you so sad about right now? erm. certain things i can't change
11. Honestly, how old are you now?- 18 in 4 days!! *AHEM*
12. Honestly, who are you missing? him =) very very much
13. Honestly, have you ever stole something? er i took a highlighter in primaty 5.. *sheepish grin*
14. Honestly, what song are you listening to right now? Every Beat of your Heart by Corrine May
15. Honestly, who do you want to meet at this very moment?Him.
16. Honestly, where do you like to be kissed? *grin* that's for me to know and not for u to find out.
17. Honestly, do you like/love someone right now? Yes. with all my heart =)
18. Honestly, do you hate someone right now? yes. for being an absolute imbecile.
19. Honestly, who do you wanna hug right now? ooohhh.. definately
2o. Honestly, are you bored? hehehe... what do u think
21. Honestly, who do you wanna slap right now? do i have to? really?
22. Honestly, have you answered all the questions above honestly? yeah. most of em

evidently i am exceptionately procrastinating today. pffffbt. and i was intending to do history. pah!

~* my love my heart my soul

Its a wild, wild, ride.
Mad rushes
of relief and anxiety
anger and joy
loops and spirals
when will it ever end?

~* my life is a rollercoaster, but thank you for sharing it anyway

currently at my cousin's house. at least i started working =) quite quite happy that i did.

oh well. at certain points in my life i feel exceptionally grateful for whatever i've been dished out. one of them is now. I was just reflecting on my way home from he airport that my life as i've lived it has had many things that i can be thankful for, and am. In particular how everything always changes just made me not want to take anything for granted. so at this point, i jutst feel very grateful.

thank you god, for everything.

~* everything in its place and time