ok. i HATE HATE HATE it when hell week starts. Its one big pain in the neck living in a house when everyone is pms-sy. aargh. u get in trouble for the wierdest wierdest things. My current example is answering a phone call from my mom ( who called btw, to ask me to speak to her client who bet with her that i was some rude sarcastic sot. wth. at least i politely answered him mind you. honestly wonder what my mother has been telling pple... ) .

i'm cooking in a pot of hot soup, and i'm supposed to be happy about it. oh joy.

~* i'm tired, grumpy, and i have a bunch of radishes cooking with me

hell week

figures.. sometimes when you don't want to go, you really really wish u could freeze time just that little bit. just that little bit longer so you don't have to part. sometimes i wonder why not for eternity. oh well. Parting is sad sweet sorrow, but its not for forever, which is a good thing i guess.

sometimes after a group of people part, distance seems to play an unrectifiable damage to situations. Sometimes you feel left behind, sometimes you feel as if thin walls have been built, blocking off your ability to transcend those small barriers. Sometimes you wonder whether or not true friendship really exists. Love that seems to transient, fading when people don't keep so much in contact. does effort equate to the value of a frienship. If it does, when people don't make an effort, does it mean you really mean nothing to them?

sometimes i hate to ponder and second guess. it leads me down roads that i don't want to go.grah.


~*travel travel past these doors opened to the various aspects of the world

parting

Larissa's brilliant feat of the week :

Leaving the watch that came with the cheese pack for 1 week in the FREEZER - so now we have a amazingly unique frozen watch that's currently defrosting in our kitchen =_=

Mmmmm... i went on a math spree today. i now can faithfully say that i like communing with my numbers. and i'm on a caffiene overdose (drank 3 nice nice cups of tea) which means i'm currently very very hyper and happily bouncing away for heaven knows what reason. Oh well. it'll fade of i think.

On another note, kinda pondered on the issue of identity today (yes. the mad frenzy of the twins getting mixed up and all in the Comedy of Errors is getting to me), What really really makes a person? How they are seen or what they think they are? mmm... figures. I also kinda realise that i'm less bonker like at home - usually the more serious, sedated one. Which kinda makes me wonder how our environment actually shapes our reaction. Or maybe i just react to the atmosphere - you can feel claustrophobic living in a box in the air. oh well. its starting to sound like i'm facing a minor identity crisis. *gasps*

just found my baby pictures. My gramma must have really overdid the feeding. I actually didn't have a neck!! ^^;;

~*Of math, lit and small fragmented memories.

bubble trouble

Friendships strike me as really odd things, mainly because its like a journey that 2 or more people make together, to discover more of themselves, and also of each other. SOmetimes the desire to move onward exists beyond more disasters that could ever happen, other times it ends with the slightest signs of rain clouds. I guess there are many different types of friends, many different journeys to make with them, but just how much understanding and tolerance to we have for one another? i mean, if we all have to learn to live and love with each other, just how far are we prepared to give way to, and how much do we expect out of our companions? Is friendship an issue of tolerance or acceptance. If we know certain flaws about a person as a friend, how prepared are we to accept it? if a friend turns away a friend in need, is it considered betrayal or selfishness? IF you have truths to tell that you would rather not even though you can accept them, is that considered being true? If so, then what is being a good friend? someone who cares and accepts you for who you are, no matter what happens will never turn you away? Or is is someone who always tells u the truth, and shares herself with you.

on another note, my metabolism rate is going heywire. HEYWIRE. i cannot believe i get hungry almost every 3 hours. *clutches stomach*. I dun wanna be fattttttt!!! (ok. i'm just being an annoying bimbo extremely concerned about her fat content.) but still. arrrrrghhh..... its annoying. The amount of food i'm actually gonna be taking. pple at home actly think i'm starving myself in sch cos the first thing i do when i get home nowadays is attack the kitchen, which sad to say is already becoming severely depleted. grah. my stomach is like a bottomless pit.

~* what price would you pay for a friendship?

the journey

Something i ripped off daffy's blog =p oh well.

1. Name Two Bad Habits You Have:
forgetfulness. really. i forget where i put my glasses all the time.
snoozing. i take approximately 15 mins to get up. after awaking

2. Name Two Things That You Wish You Had:
A magic carpet!
*grin* a chocolate tree. that produces any and every kind of chocolate.

3. Name Two Scents You Love:
Famous Amos Cookies...
mmmm.... vanilla

4. Name Two People That Know You the Best :
lyn ( hell. she brought me up)
prolly wei =) ( right wei wei? *grin*)

5. Name Two Things You'd Never Wear:
those wierd ribbony stuff. it looks like weeds. really.
I'll tell u when i see it =/

6. Name Two Things You Are Thinking About Now:
what the hell am i doing online?
Vectors

7. Name Four Things That You Have Done Today:
study, go grocery shopping =), sleep, econs make-up

8. Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought:
mmm... well. i take bought as in went to buy, so bread, beef, cheese, frozen fries

9. Name Five Bands/Vocals/Groups:
coldplay, micheal learns to rock, the corrs, the carpenters, the eagles

10. Name three Drinks You Regularly Drink:
water, milo, root beer

11. First Grade Teacher Name?
Mrs Wk tan

12. Last Words You Said
(sounds like a death wish) AARgh... where's my glasses??

13. Last Song You Sang?
fly away, by corrine may

14. Last Person You Hugged?
Mummy!!!

15. Last Thing You Laughed At?
thel's new craze for body vandalism. i now have to alphabets and one smile on my right foot.

16. Last Time You Said 'I Love You' And Meant It?
This afternoon=)

17. Last Time You Cried?
about 3 weeks ago.

18. What's In Your CD Player?
coldplay...

19. What Color Socks Are You Wearing?
none.... i'm erm. barefooted.

20. What's Under Your Bed?
dust. a lot of dust.

21. What Time Did You Wake Up Today? 720

22. Current Passion?
Him

23. Current Hair?
haystack! lolx. just this short... erm style.

24. Current Clothes?
pajamas.

25. Current Annoyance?
Math. its the bane of my life.

26. Current Longing?
sitting at the breakwater with him

27. Current Desktop Picture?
nothing actually.

28.Current Worry?
how to do my math

29. Current Hate?
MAth!

,30. Favorite Physical Feature Of Opposite Sex?
Eyes. or smile.

ok. i wasn't supposed to do this, but this sure beats wordsworth and coleridge any day!

quiz!

"don't know why"


that's a phrase i realised that i used a lot lately. i started asking myself why each time i said that. I'm used to being a clear-headed idiot when it comes to things i know about myself and my actions. I'm used to being able to understand my behaviour as when i act and react. So when i don't know why i'm reacting as such, i get thrown into disarray. I start questioning my own reactions, even my identity as a whole. So i thought i'd go confront the BIG question that bugged me for the past week and a half - why do i not know why i'm losing my head. And then i realised that perhaps my past experience wasn't as real as i thought, realised that i lost the iron grip on emotion that i used to have.


Which then made me realise that i do know what has happened. The reservations that held me back from all forms of insane behaviours have been gradually breaking one by one over the past 2 years. The need for self-control to the point of masking has gradually broken down. I no longer choose to hide my thoughts behind the screen that i used to put up with a smile. Most importantly, i realised that the desire to give lies in the beauty within a person that i've been more than stunned to see.


i kinda realised how inaccessible my brain actually can get to people, since diplomacy and pride generally screens the bing-bang up there pretty much from the world. i end up keeping mum about a hell lot more things that do bug me, till i feel that i've sorted them out enough myself. I guess my psychological barriers are far stronger than i thought.


But at least now i can finally answer the question that bugged me so much for the past week and a half. I know why i'm in absolute euphoria even though my prelims are only 8 days away. I know why i feel the way that i do. Which leaves me now feeling very very pleased with myself for all my thought products ^^V. i'm one step closer to understanding me. (ok. egoistic and narcisstic statement =_=)

But anyway. I am getting pretty annoyed now. i'm supposed to be OFFLINE. But me knowing me, I, in constant contradiction, have wandered online to share my wonderfully ambigious thought product with the people that i believe actually read this thing. whch then leads to me realising that i actually have not managed to keep to my isolation plan at all. And its only been one day!!!!! i should be so ashamed of myself (not)

Maybe i shld tell myself not to isolate. then i'll go do it. hmmmmm.... the potential of reverse psychology...

~* contradiction contradiction contradiction.

don't know why

I have never ever felt this fulfilled in my life. This contentment just settles in my heart, and stays there. And lately think i've been too happy. Kinda odd in context of approaching prelims *groans* and insufficient time etc. oh well. I've just been one hell of a bouncing madhouse in school =_= oh well. i've got more than enough reason to be happy. just let me keep my feet on the ground whilst my head travels to the clouds or smthg.

anyway, back to fulfilment. Its this nice peaceful warm sort of feeling that seems to make u so comfortable, and alive. its odd, but each time i experience it i get more and more addicted. (gosh it sounds like i'm on drugs. I'M NOT. so don't get no funny ideas) anyway, its something that makes me really really want to smile at the rest of the world and makes me feel just so much more in love with life. I know people say that if u keep going out with someone and u fall in love with that person each time all over again, then there's definitely something there. And i'm doing just that. its amazing. And so wonderful at the same time. mmmmm.... ok ok. i won' get any more explicitr than i already have.

ok ok. isolation begins today. No more going online. less less phone, less less everything. More more mugging. One, two, three , GO!

~* and let the games begin

bliss

to -

Music, when soft voices die,
Vibrates in the memory-
Odours when sweet violets sicken,
Live within the scent they quicken.


Rose leaves, when the rose is dead.
Are heaped for the beloved's bed;
And so thy thoughts, when thou art gone,
Love itself shall slumber on.
Percy Byshe Shelley


Read this poem during Lit s today. It just struck me at that point how remembrance is actually that important. Remembrance represents a love for that person, a care that can never be eradicated or has not been, even if the person is not around anymore. Its the desire to keep people alive in memory, and that is the existence of love that is not only strong but also in that sense undying.


We keep people alive in our memories, remembering them equates to remembering that we love each other ( all types). i realise then that the best yardstick one can ever have with regards to the strength of friendships etc is actually whether or not we think we wil remember the person after the passage of time. Even then we too wish to create a memorable impression of ourselves on that person. hence, when we remember, its a sort of reliving of moments gone by.


I guess that's what keeps our hearts and mind alives. Remembering - drawing on our collection of thoughts and feelings and reliving them just once more.


~* remembering the moments of long ago..

remembrance

when i was walking to buy dinner today, i think people honestly would have thought i had a neck problem or smthg, because i generally spent most of the trip with my head tilted towards the sky. ( no i did not bang into anything in the process). i was just fascinated with the ice blue shade the sky was painted with today. Rather nice, tinted white-blue. Exquisite.

It reminded me of the idea of degree, of variation, things that make life a little less boring once in a while. Xuannie told me that breathing is part of life, and that because of that we'll never ever have nothing to do, since we're doing all these other things consciously/subconsciously. the mind travels as it wishes. Even if u think ur head is blank you're actually picturing the blank, so yeah. mmmmmm.... But i digress. Variation and degree, slight twist here, small change there, and you actually have a whole new scenario. intriguing.

Mmmmm.. i miss the ocean, The tinted shades of blue and green (minus the occasional piece of rubbish) really really make me feel... happy. Happy to just bask in the warm arms of nature, to sit in its welcoming embrace.

With each breath i take,i feel more and more alive.

~* sweet scents that roll around the air and make it fresh

ice blue

YES!!!! i've done it..... *beams*

i have somehow. i don't know how i did it, but anyway, I have somehow managed to fall in love with the act of mugging. Which makes me a happy mugger. which means that i can go happily mug mug mug my life away. ( thought truthfully speaking someone has already come and stolen my heart clean away =p)

brilliant.=)

~* i love my books i love to mug i love my books i love to mug i love my books i love to mug

Eureka!

i guess its true. I am a difficult person to love. i have too many psychological barriers and odd reactions that potentially confound the people around me. Somehow i wish for more permanence in things. I'm not degenerating into a 'poor-me-against-the-world' state. i'm not going to stop trying. i just feel sad abt the lack of permanence in life. the transient nature of my interactions with people. If i could trun back time and rectify my errors i would. I just didn't realise that distance could be so potent a poison that destroys everything.

underestimation could really be a potent killer.

~* the show is over, is it?

perceptive clarity

Do you mean what you say
when you want to let go and go away?
Forget those smiles and joys we had
Forget the times of laughter shared.


Do you mean what you say
that the notion friend was part of yesterday?
A person once loved never to return.
A person waved goodbye to, that you now spurn.

say goodbye?

compassion. humility. forgiveness.

This is something that i learnt during church today whilst i randomly flipped through the pages of the missal. It too often strikes me how amazingly miserable i get when i remember the hurts people inflict on me. Then today it struck me that i make myself unhappy. It would be better to let go of things and not remember, forgive those wrongs and smile again. Have the compassion to exercise that forgiveness people have granted you onto others. I think that would make my life more meaningful

And that's exactly what i'm going to set out to do =)


~* smile and forget your troubles with the wind

compassion

oh well. its been a fairly amazing time for me. I'm not going to be explicit why. but oh well. its a very wonderful ride and i don't wish it to ever end.

i think i can connect with things now. just need to maintain isolationalist stance( which i fairly am not keeping) but i will. somehow.

i found a rhyme that i used to recite when i was a little girl. I actually memorised it. Fairly proud to say i am a friday baby ^^.

Monday's child is fair of face
Tuesday's child is full of grace
Wednesday's child is full of woe
Thursday's child has far to go.
Friday's child is loving and giving
Saturday's child works hard for a living
And the child that is born on a Sunday is bonny and blithe
Smelling of the sweet scents of life.

lol. it is often on hindsight that i realise my childhood was actually rather amusing. ..

~* i'm this far away from loving beyond all reason/

strolling

i feel sore today. not just cos my foot was aching for i dunno what reason (stairs are becoming a torture), but because i feel like i've lost a friend. and that friend isn't even making an effort to resolve things. which makes me feel bloody used. but oh well. who am i to say anything i guess.

grah. grant me a sense of urgency. taking to my books is so hard to do now, i try my best to fall in love with my textbooks. which is so not working.

what the hell am i doing u say? getting along with a skip, a hop, and a bounce.

mmmmm

there are certain parts of the day that u wish would last forever. and somehow you hope that time slows down just a bit more, so that u can hold those moments for just a while longer. just that extra second of happiness that u loath to let go so easily.

i hate it when people are mad at me. really i do. right now i feel like i pressed all the wrong buttons and the machine is just spewing out nonsense on me. its super super annoying. what exactly did i do wrong that makes you so irritable. what is it that i have not done that makes you think i won't make it? i've proven to you i can juggle. so why are u screwing and scolding me so hard for something that has no real basis of argument. i won't talk back cos i don't want to make it worse. but right now, i'm tempted to go on an outdoor study camp, permanently, just so u would leave me alone.

grah. i hate it when pple are mad at me. especially when its for something taht just carries on for no reason.

eternity

after a while, i kinda realise how blind i was. to a lot of things.

which makes me feel relieved and oddly refreshed that i made the right choices, and that's something i should be happy abt

the parental unit has grounded me, and she's coming down real hard. first time i really have to deal with mummy's sarcasms on a day-to-day basis, can get a bit scary. its like there's been a switching of roles all of a sudden. urgh.

oh well. i think i've done enough gallavanting for a bit. time to stop social life. grah. but i don't want to!!!! *wail wail*

urgh. i.hate.having.exams.

refreshing

sometimes its a nice feeling to keep a secret. one that you and only you alone know. its as if u have something that you can keep from the world and feel happy abt. ok. nvm. most of u prolly don't even know what i'm sputtering abt (you're not supposed to anyway) =p

Come to think of it, we all have secrets - skeletons and gems in our closets that we wish to keep hidden from the eye of everyone else. Sometimes i ponder why we actually have to keep secrets, even where the idea came abt. I mean, we keep things from pple for a variety of reasons - we don't want to shock them or scare them off, or we want them to be surprised. Or we are just scared of what pple would say. But what triggers such a reaction is an issue i can neve runderstand. why we are scared of what pple think of us, can it just be pinned down to the fact that humans are social animals. (ok. this is the point in time where Lari has started believing that almost everything ard is a social construct.) oh well. i'll prolly never know.

mmmm.... feeling happy/ditzy/fuzzy/ crazy today. i think i had too much fun the day before. not that i mind. its just hard to explain why u have a silly smile all over your face all of a sudden ^^;; very very hard.

mmmm... i'm feeling happy. and its a secret why =p

~* locked is the mind to many things

secrets

sometimes, when things happen, you realise you can't stop the forces you yourself set in motion, and then you feel sad. because u never meant things to ever turn out that way. but nonetheless. acceptance and adaptability is one thing that i've learnt, so yeah.

Eitherway, GP presentation bombed. i shall go down in history as the one who went 'you guys' too many times (it was only five, but who counted? ) anyway, its not that i really care anymore. i just wish to live my life relatively inconspiciously. Then i can waltz around minding my own business . happily.

Starting to feel happy with my short hair, and was quite quite mad speaking in old english for the rest of the day, annoying and amusing my classmates to no end with my melodramatics. Mine is a sad lot in life, to always be used for others amusements (KIDDING kidding. i'm happy making pple laugh. and i like being ditzy once in a while)

I have a really pretty rose sitting on my desk, of which i'm particularly happy about because its blooming so very nicely, but what really struck me as exquisite were the subtle white stripes that criss-crossed its petals. It just reminds me of the beauty of nature, and it smells oh-so-sweet. *beams happily* its not often i get flowers, so when i do, i get really really happy, cos their pretty and delicate, and well, they just brighten up someone's day. (which also means i'm getting spoilt. not good^^;;)

still. was just raking through my collections and stuff and i found a little poem i wrote when i was 7. amusingly simple, but it struck a chord in my memory. so thought i'd put it here.

Roses are pretty
Open buds that smell nice.
Smiling at the blue sky
Extending their green arms to the sun

travelling

its so much easier to say goodbye when you don't feel for smthg.
but i guess that's a choice i made, and i will stick to it.

feeling distant and isolated today. somehow managed to detach myself from everything. which can be good and bad i guess. It feels strange tho, not wanting to really talk to people. not wanting anything at all. just hide in your little corner and figure out what your doing to your life. oh well.

i think i'm going into my severely depressed state. yikes. better go get chocolate fix. ^^

see you all.

~* listen to the soft chiming of the bells

baby steps

One Last Dance
let me hold you one last time
kiss those tears away
stay with you night and day

One Last Night
let me remember the sweetness of your presence
hold you in my arms
keep you in my heart forever

one last dance

purest of pain