+ Just a step away from paradise

yeah, another template with a lily on it

she crouches, knees folded
beneath her, back straight,
hands folded neatly on the floor.
Grace embodied in the silk brocade,
a gentle smile on a porcelein face.
Subordinated.
No one knows how she longs to
get up and break
free.

breathing in the cool sweet scents
of evening
i walk through the garden
thinking,smelling, feeling the essence of you
would i ever want to leave
eden?

~* the intertwined criss-crossed garden paths that resemble life

(i)
she struggles to reach the ends of the thread that shifts further and further.
she catches on, only to have it slip from her fingers once again
the threads move back further, connivingly moving out of the way as her fingers strain to reach once more.
it scares her, that one day someone would use a scissors and just cut all loose ends
letting the centre pieces fall into the
endless abyss of night.

(ii)

she waits and waits
in the light of the twinkling stars
silent but present
but fading fading fading
as dawn spreads to cover the moon's dark
diamond-studded cloak
she sees the light of love again.

i have a hazed up memory of being drunk last night. As in, it wasn't like i was all over the place. i was just... high. Said a few things i shldn't have, showed more truth in my statements than should be proper. which makes everything else then very problematic, because now i'm in a slightly messier state than i should be, and my head obviously has taken to a secret confab with my heart to move to think of things that i should not be thinking about, should not even be considering, aarrghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

sigh. my life is blooming in all sorts of ways when i do not want it to. Its amusing really, simply because i don't want to get distracted, And now distractions are popping out all over, like daisies. yikes.

~* breezing past the gilded city windows

i was walking down the steps of fort Canning park today, and the planes from NDP just shot overhead. It suddenly struck me how incredibly transcient things are. Past to present, whatever i have in front of me. I couldn't resist just reaching out to touch the foilage in front of me just to touch it before it fell the ground. Perhaps the things in life are like the leaves on the tree. They stick around for a while, but after a while they just weaken their links to us and fall off, and they;re no longer part of a tree.

interesting,

~* hold on to me for as long as you can

Had a good time out today =) for a short period. There are a lot of things in my life that i realise i have to clear up tho, and even then, i don't know whether or not i can confront them, and my own lack of clarity on where my heart is bringing me, but i'll try. i've asked myself questions and tried to find answers, we tried to find answers together,but left it hanging there. But is that the point if everything, or is it not? i try to find the key to everything, but is that the right approach? does the heart die or does it not? do my tears fall because i love you? i wish we could find the answers. it would really tell me where i'm going with you. My heart softens each time you take a step closer to me, but even then i realise i take 2 steps back from my point of origin. This was where it all started. Now is it going to be an end?

oh btw. nice pics from Racial harmony day. quite annoyed with myself really. My last racial harmony day and i forget to bring my cammy. urgh. my forgetfulness amazes me beyond compare.

the black Japanese screen
in the corner,
encroaching the shadows with its
pretty painted embroidery
of rolling waves and waterfalls that
follow the colourless winds,
against the cold wooden floor

p.s who is willing to lend me Harry Potter?? i wanna readdddd! *wail wail* like soon!

The dark night sky
colour of ocean
like the division between our
two worlds
bound by threads of amity
strong but ill- representative of
my true love for you
that fades into precious purple petal fragments
from the withering rose i hold in my hand.

I stand at the window
breathing the colour of you
remembering we share the
same side of the moon.

let me vent oh let me vent the sorry happenings of my day.

the scalding tears fall
as the harsh words
open up new wounds in flesh;
deepening the existing ones as
the scarred heart screams out
and prays for its
survival.,

JOY JOY JOY! WE MADE IT TO SEMI'S!!!!!

oh well. as u can see, i'm delirious with joy over my juniors wonderful feat =) which thrills me to the tips of my toes. i kinda 'kowtowed' to my school today. walked out and then bang i fall down after erm, laughing too much ^^;; well, its embarassing definitely, but ah well... its me after all

i think life is funny. i drop blatant blatant hints and some pple just don't pick em up (daph we can go bemoan our sad lot in life on this) but nonethelesss, won't be updating much now. time to muggg. Byeeeeeeeeee

Perception is a strange and amazing thing. a slight change in angle, and it becomes an utterly different playing field, a completely different scenario. more than often we see things the way we want them to be, see things the way that would make our perfect paradise. Yet experience, perception's companion, mirror, twin - changes her features, distorts the truth, overshadows her brilliant lustre. We see as desire wants us to see, yet experience dulls the lustre of fantasy. Perhaps then, holding on to fantasy is not our best escape from reality. The tumble down is too far, too painful. Each new experience makes or breaks our perfect world, each new experience adds another corner to our collection of dreams, memories, feelings.

Having someone so very near, just within reach, who slipped away in a hesitation to say hello feels as if the world has just passed you by. Feels as if it is another silent movie that life has pushed into the VCR. Miles away the person may be, or just next door, but it feels the same. detachment. regret. a whole new scenario.

As you walk on the streets and observe the never-ending flow of people. As they brush past your shoulders, pass you along the street, you wonder, really,what your life would have been like if fate brought you to know someone along this road - would your life have changed in its direction ?

Even in that, meeting a person could change almost everything. Even the way your life goes.

Amazing isn't it?

~*fate, perception, chance. Was everything from then till now only a dream?

How do you know when to trust a person?

when do you know when to believe a person has good intentions?

when do you allow a person to come so close?

I always seem to have problems with relationships. i don't mind the giving part, really i don't. its my second guessing that bothers me. second guess intentions, considering vested interest. It disturbs me, how i attribute man's nature to be selfish as the root of all things. Its freaky. i can't seem to see the good in pple anymore. Is it just me, or is it the fact that some of the people i know are just bloody self-serving, selfish twits? i love some of my friends. really i do, to bits even, but sometimes, i just wonder, do they really, really love me?

or am i just a convenient pick up and drop off to some of them, helping to pass their time?

~* do you really want to know what i think?

*bounces in madly across the rooooom *

I GOT A B FOR MATH I GOT A B FOR MATH I GOT A B FOR MATH!

smthg i utterly hadn't expected, and am quite happy abt, ah heck, i guess, in a way, that is so much better. Mmmmm.. i need some major reorganisation of my life. really really need to reorganise.

i think i need to get some new shoelaces. dunno why, but i think my mind has not floated off to utterly random reasoning.

what was that again?

oh yeah. new shoelaces.

frost on strawberries
biting into my lip
like short sharp pangs
that prick the soft
texture of the heart.

I am amazed at how simple stupid things can just make my life so miserable. (stupid reasons that have effects that render me helpless and annoyed ) but i don't give a damn anymore. i'll strive to be happy. with or without you. with or without the bloody award. with or without a father.

Had a great debate session today, love my juniors. pity i can't stick with them much for nationals because i got to emcee for college day (another big joke that life plays on me. don't bother asking why). Sigh. school =officially= starts tomorrow. not used to the idea really. still feels like a holiday. but nvm. i am not really complaining, so yeah. gives me smthg to do to get my mind off things. sides, if God closes the door, some way He opens the window. I'm sure he has something else in store for me too. i hope he does. =)

had special times today, small things that will make me smile. short moments that encapsulate sweet joy. more than which i can be, and will be happy for. Count my blessings. Penny's right. that's what i'll do. end my mulling here.

toodles.

~* and with this gift i will make my graceful exit.

Dare i build myself
for a new sunrise?

maybe things aren't as decadent as i assume them to be. i hope not. i just hope. but i daren't build myself up for another let down. really i don't. Eitherway, i'll just play by the ear i guess. Things still don't feel right, and i don't like what it seems to be pointing to.

Had a greeat day with Xuannie. nice meeting up with her anyway.

its really great to know you have friends. good friends. so let me count my blessings, and remember their love.

i'm bloody dramatic and depressed, but hey, i feel better if i vent here, and smile after that. so bear with me, will you?

~* drawn like a moth to a flame

mock me
as i struggle with the ropes that
hold me to you
slipping sliding falling from those strings
eventually dropped when you yourself cut
whatever threads stillholding us together.

as i struggle to come to terms with all that is happening in my life right now, i seriously wonder whether i'm being thick about things, or whether i'm just over-sensitive(a fair amount in me hoping its the latter), much as i bloody like to deny it, i know i'm hurt, to a large degree by this relative indifference of yours. The effect sets in with the contrast of prior contact that seemed so much more capable of warmth. I know not why i'm feeling this, or maybe because i haven't managed to fully come to terms with the disattachment but either way, it stings. And i bloody hell think i deserve to know why things came to this, even if u are keen on not telling.

i don't see why i'm reacting strongly, but i guess you don't care, so i won't either. i'll just let it degenerate to numbness, and so forget. i have other things in my life to keep me distracted i guess, and more than enough friends to borrow shoulders from, so i guess i have to be grateful for that. learning things the hard way isn't easy,especially with repeated lessons, therefore, i must strive to make good my mistakes, to not open up to allow hurt to seep through this easily again. i will not allow a repeat of this. never again.

aside from my bemoaning a sad lot in life, i guess i do have much to be grateful for, and in another sense, the trash i've been burying myself in has helped let me escape from extensive pondering. I don't think i'm in a good enough condition to carry on bouncing, but lifes good enough i guess, to allow me to find the ability to smile and laugh in all other rare occurances of joy.

hey, i might just have to smile at the latest wedding in the family, and you know what, i'm part of the dowry.

~* take me away to a place in your heart where you'll be with me

been a while since i've come online. and now i realise i don't have a desire to blog, and i think what a fool i am, because what i pursue in life is nothing more than a social construct. sigh. its wierd. we can't really live life meaningfully cos everything else is a social construct. its quite odd really. we just pursue it anyway.

my life may go under massive changes. really really massive. i don't know whether i'd be accepting of it, neither will i know how happy i will be about it. i'm scared. really scared. but what right have i to make the decision for her? I'll just accept what comes along i guess. its not mine to choose what to begin with.

and i'm lost about a certain person. its wierd. i don't kow where yous tand about me, nor how important i am to you. your behavior is so odd i can't make head or tail of it - there are too many logical explanations. one minute ur so friendly and dependable, making me feel loved, and yet u can disappear for such long periods of time or actually take forever to even reply a msg, or don't at all, that i just wonder if u want to converse to begin with. But i have no right to expect this much of you. i am nothing more than a person you know, even if a friend. so i shldn't be demanding this of you. or should i?

~*lost in emotion...