+ Just a step away from paradise

yeah, another template with a lily on it

the wind blows and cajoles me

twisting its fingers around the ends of my hair

pushing me here and there,

hoping to sway me to be led away by its hypnotic caress.

The tinges of lemon yellow and hazy lavender swirl around my eyes and colour my senses -

should i yield and follow ?

Losing myself thus in his comforting, liberating, enticing embrace?

its funny, how one can find laughter in the smallest of things

today, i just saw an adorable little mouse roll around in its cage in a pet shop. It was jsut rolling and rolling around and arounds, trying to catch its tail, and it suddenly dawned on my how futile life's pursuits could really be.

we spend so much time chasing and chasing our goals and wants and needs, sometimes we negate reflecting on the points of these. Sometimes, i realise, getting there doesn't matter. How you get there does.

When i reach the end point of my life, i want to say i have actually lived a life of mirth, of happiness and joy. I want to go into my grave knowing that i got the most out of the live god has given me on earth. By being truly happy.

~* the faint whispers of the breeze pass me by and gently chide my hurried steps

sigh

when shit like that gets thrown in ur face, you seriously wonder what's the bloody reason ur on this planet.

really

~* hit me, it doesn't hurt. really.

saw my nyf pics today, and the vcd. And it brought back a lot of fond memories.

i think i really realy had a lot of fun there. even though shit can happen now. i made good friends, had great fun. Things seemed so perfect for that little while. For a while there. i could actually believe that things were less plastic than i had always believed. GEnuinity for once, in its real essence before me.

sometimes i wonder why i can get so cynical. bad experiences with people maybe, but still. cynical. completely. which is why i ponder about how plastic people can get, why i'm not willing t hang out with people don't have a good feeling with. because i don't trust them.

guess maybe all this time, i make acquantences, but how far i let you get in gettng to know me, that's a different story.

why i am so self protective, no one will probably ever know. sometimes, not even me.

~* hide me, shield me in layers of frosted glass

Good news: I'm free from block test 1

Bad news: I still have 2 more sets of exams to go and 1 MAJOR A-level exam to sit.

aargh

nonetheless, i'm pretty struck by the way i carry out my interactions nowadays. It seems really difficult keeping everything together with everyone. After a while you realise that u have so much to do u can't really keep things up for very log. Things just lapse into this lull and then u suddenly realise that u haven't exactly been keepig in touch. And u feel bad. And then u suddenly pop into that's person's message window to say hi and hope that he or she hasn't forgotten u exist and try to apologise for ur bad memory.

Which makes me feel really sad. BEcause i do love my friends, and yet making time for all of them seems so darn difficutly. Because we all have thigs to do. sigh.

On another note, things are pretty estranged for a particular issue. I'm progressing i guess, but with a lot of caution. I have my defenses up for self protection from the person i've exposed myself to be able to hurt me the most. But i'm trying to get myself loosened up again. I think i'm one of those people who ar eprolly going to die of a heart attack one day. or high blood pressure. because i create my own problems

whoopee. Here comes Lari the Nut.

~*Fly with the wings that carry you far

surface bonhomie

looks so easy isn't it,
to see through glass?
Yet when you do look through
lines blur, overlap, converge
revealing only part
of what you really see

~* not everything is what it seems

Felicity -
joy that seems to speak itself in a name,
yet at the same time, you'd wonder

happiness?
what is it really?
something that has to be fought for, achieved?
something that can be bought and given in material things?

or is it rather
what you find in the eyes of an innocent, or
what you'd find in the smile of a loved one.
or just basking in good company?

wherefore then,u may ask, lies happiness?
hidden in the golden rays of the shining sun,
waiting at the end of a rainbow with a pot of gold?

no.
actually, its what lies within
every little thing in front of you,
small spurts of joy that build up a grin.

happiness,
it lies in the wings of a breeze.
tickling you with its gentle fingers,
enveloping you in simple bliss
the real joys that life has to bring

talking to someone today made me realised how annoyingly self-centred i can get. i do think a lot, but usually from my perspective, and about me, perhaps maybe cos of all the things happening lately but its true, in grousing i negate the beauty of the rest of the world.

But at the same time, you can't help wondering why hunmans can get like that. but nvm. i shan't go about comtemplating the sad state of affairs of humanity, and get even more depressed.

there's this really really nice picture book that i saw the other day - the one which had animals all over it. Simple poignant pictures of animals that can bring a smile to your face, because of the innocence that it just represents,the gentle reminders that the world isn't so bad after all. Especially when i saw the one of a little penguin family crossing the frozen lake, with the little ones tottering behind. Perhaps its something about animals that appeal to me, but it just struck me how simple life can get. Its a journey, one of self-discovery, one where people learn how to walk, to feel, to believe.

Maybe things don't always go your way, you may slip and fall, but there will always always be people around to help you up, guide you back on course, and whom you know you can count on.

when things turn out right, and ur blissful and happy, there will always be people to share it with too.

sharing.

after all, that's what life is all about isn't it?

~* let me share with you the bliss and tears life has to bring

mmmmm.... i love the taste of peaches. love the way the juice spurts out when i bite into it and trickles down my fingers. Love the way the taste just rolls around my tongue, exploding into a pictorial of breathtaking fireworks - first bursts of sour cascading into divine sweetness, slowly fading into soft-smoooth rain drops that linger in the air, leaving you begging for more .

juicy, exhiliarating, addictive.

somehow it feels just like my experiences with you - i never get enough of them. =p

and you know what, being able to taste food normally again really is a good thing. a crepe tasting like panadol leaves much reparation to be done.

i love eating peaches.

yummm

~* its always the first bite that gets you hooked

sometimes i seriously wonder why i work so damn hard for. seriously. its npot ilike need to. but if i don't force myself to, i just don't at all. damn. why can't i just use the middle ground for once. no. i have to be at extreme ends.

honestly. i really don't care about block test. i want to do myy own stuff, with my own revision. But ibdon't ven get that freaking opportunity. sigh. I am =so= dead for complex numbers. not cos i am stupid, cos my own barrier with that retarded lecturer stops me from understanding it. so i don't even have a basic concept to rely on. should have started on a blank slate. and just absorb. no. i get turned off when i see her. so i stop listening. and just copy. and pon math lect so i don't have to hear her lecture me. grah. so annoying.

and the worst part is, for March hols. i have a bloody 3 day un conference. which i want to go to, but not at the price of my school work. and my mom come's in and says : ' so you don't need to study?' damn. why is everyone so curt nowadyas. its not as if i don't care about my grades. i do. a freaking hell lot. so get off my back and let me do what i want. I KNOW what i am doing. don't rub me the wrong way and make it sound like i haven't been working. i have. so shut up. (sorry. i'm ranting)

i'm bogged down by a lot of things lately. i hate the fact that i think too much( can't i be a little bit more simplistic. urgh. wasting my brain cells) and then i land myself in places i don't really want to explore anymore for fear of turning my reality upside down. really. yet. i've compromised my morals and my principles, at the same time, i can't get rid of my sentimental attachments, and What i feel. So how do i reconcile myself and my actions. yearghhhhhhhhhhh. i create my own problems. i form my own psychologiucal barriers which i know exist.

now everybody will know i'm some insane extremist with wierd thoughts and a screwed up brain. oh help.

dammit. i just realised i talk to myself more often

i'm beyond salvation

grah.

~* if i could do one thing right now, it would be to breathe.

my nose is running off without me and my head feels like cotton wool.

damn. And i have an exam later. called prac crit.

i am so dead. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet

someone please just tell me why i let myself get hurt over and over again.

why do i go and let myself know things that i would have been better off not knowing.

why do i force myself to believe that things will change, when all it seems to ohers is that the problem lies with me?

why do i let myself carry on blindly trying to break the ice when i've failed time and time again.

how do i let this go without destroying myself?

how do i change the way things are going, if all i can do is keep all this to myself?

someone, please tell me.

~*sometimes it would be better if i'd never been born.

*ahem*

i'm glad to announce my brain has now progressed to a state of recognisable activity. and i am very happy about that.

it means i've =officially= been able to integrate to nerd mode for the next few weeks.

now the probklem lies to be solved qwhen i have to exit it.

cos i have no idea how i got into it to begin with

as u can see, i barely understand myself nowadays.(no. i'm not putting up an advertisement to be psychoanalysed, its just a confused and contradictory statement. as usual )

mmph. time to do GP research for capitalism. which i know nuts about right now. which means i'm gonna muck up. which thus means mr Leong will fry my ass and prolly have it for breakfast.

i expect a nice bunch of fresh flowers on my grave yes? white lilies would be preferable. No magnolia's please.

~* and tomorrow i will bask in the glow of the rising sun

to him:

miracles happen

and i believe they'll happen for you.

Have faith in Him; things will turn out right

be there for u no matter what *hugz*

~* constant as the stars above, always know that you are loved.

on another note:

grah. i'm so gonna fail my block test. don't even have time to study!!!! my holidays is only going ot be 2 days cos of the stupid un conference!!

annoyed annoyed annoyed.

bloody hate rescheduling. especially when i'm only told of things last minute *growl*

you know what, it just struck me. sometimes the emptiness of what people say can really be the most hurtful things that ever came out of their mouth.

~* like a cloud in the sky, got the sun in my eyes

sometimes, i get shocked at how incredibly spoilt i can get. seriously. i get annoyed by the littlest thinngs. not that it really matters. spent most of the late afternoon and night yesterday feeling incredibly incredibly sour, Not that its entirely my fault ( see, bratty statement again), i don't particulary like feeling like a piece or thing that is picked up and dropped at whim. Neither do i not appreciate the need for a social life, and understand that people miss it after being estranged from society for long periods of time. which is why the only other person who has heard my ranting is Daphne. The one that got a full blast of it was my econs textbook. effective punching bag cos it doesn't respond. so i can rant and rave all i want. *sits down and sulks*

aside from that i did realise something about me yesterday, i'm getting more and more entrapped in self-protection that i don't reveal anymore of my emotions outside those closest to me. I hate feeling emotionally vulnerable. but i recognise that in any relationship with pple that is inevitably what i'm subjected to. Yet my desire for social company prevents me from practising complete isolation. Sigh, as usual i contradict myself. But one thing's obvious right now. My defences are up, really really stong, and its gonna take a hell lot to penetrate them again, even for those who have managed to break through, At least that cna minimalise whatever vulnerability i will face.

sometimes i wonder why i get so afraid of revealing myself. maybe gettng burnt too many times scares me. Especially when people have access to my deepest deepest thoughts. the ones i don't dare say out even to the blank wall. The thoughts that float around, unexposed, that reveal completely all my weaknesses and flaws, the ones that depict the full scale of hurt or anger or happiness or pain. The ones that reveal the workings of my mind.

It scares me when people who know me know where to hit me where it really really hurts, or how to manipulate meinto submission. i let myself get hit over and over again, simply because i don't want to hurt her anymore. I'd rather keep things inside and let her carry on believing what she chooses to believe about me, no matter how much its gonna hurt me, no matter what she throws into my face.

i guess my defences are really what's going to keep me sane. Because i know that no one else can hurt me anymore. Because i don't let them. And i don't think i ever will.

~* perhaps it would have been better if i were without a heart