its extremely amusing to note that people nowadays find strolling something unusual to them. seriously. i mean like, last satn when i went out with wei and xuan, i kinda noticed that everyonme more or less 'zoomed' around. in other words, at a very fast fast pace. kinda reminded me of the history video of the riots we saw, where ll the pple looked so amusing on slight fast forward. haha. so amusing.


i was thinking about what Daph said about our jc life the other day, that mosyt likely we'll spend the whole 2 years together becuase we're in the same cca and in the same class and taking the same subjects... lolx. its kinda sad true, but i still think that its not that bad, mainly because i still think that well. jc won't be that bad with a companion ^^. Cos daph is a nice nice person *grin* ( ok. i'm prolly saying this cos the difference of living with an angst partner seems particularly obvious when she's not around today). haha. nope. don't worry daph. i won't produce a pin for this bubble. at least. not yet. *grin*


hmmmm... feeling a bit more alive and happier today. seriously. i guess i shall learn to take things in my stride. i'll learn how to adjust. And i need to learn how to account properly. till now i don't know where half my allowance last month went ^^;; sigh.


Chinese new year's just round the corny, and seriously speaking i don't believe half the cor\ny auspicious things that are said. Sigh. Somehow this festival has lost its meaning for me. I used to love it when i was a kid. Everything seemed so much more magnified (maybe it was the height thing) Now everything is so diminished. lolx. that parts sad. It seems like there's nothing special anymore. cept thats its the only time of the year when i can get new clothes without my mom trouncing on me like a cat hungry for mice. ( ok ok. maybe not that vicious, but u get the point)

[ bleargh. bimbo statement >.<]


Sigh. Found that lately haven't had much time for him, even though the only really bright spots in my day is when i get to hear his voice on the phone. Yet i always always seem to be caught in an inconvenient situation or something when he calls. Sighhhhh.... ok. shall learn how to manage time better. Miss him miss him miss him. thats all my heart seems to say lately. on the bright side. will prolly get to see him during chinese new year break. now that's something to look forward to.


And my head has officially taken the role of a radio. its been playing my favourite songs in my head all day. like automatic dj or smthg^^. not that i mind. very useful wehn i want to work. sorta like keeps the noise only in my head *bops head to imaginary music* wheeeeee.....


~* as long as the stars shines down from the heavens

strolling

sigh. i hate living the way i do now.

just living every single day as it is. hoping, hoping, hoping.

its not that i can't blame myself for what i face right now. i do. becuase it IS partially my fault.

yet at the same time, waiting for a tomorrow that seems never to come, waiting for a change and pleading desperately for a break that will never arrive. its so disheartening, so scary.

i'm tired, so tired. i long for a break, just a breath of fresh air. To run away, to break free, just forget about what i have to face, what i have to deal with. Just for that tiny tiny moment. But i'm never gonna get it.

so all i can do is hope. i can't change anything. The last time i tried things just went down deeper into the abyss.

And you know what? the scariest thing is, even hoping seems to be such a hard thing to do.

i'm slipping, choking, suffocating,

dying.

i've been pushed to a far side of a corner, where the light just seems to get dimmer and dimmer.

where am i now? where will i be tomorrow?

suddenly, there seems to be nothing that i know of to comfort me.

~* who will listen to the little match girl selling matches on christmas eve?

Hate life

Hello friend...

Not answering are you?

Guessed as much.

Its sad to know of late that 2 friends
of eleven years,
could have so easily fallen apart.

Its sad to know that what kept
the twinkle in your eye, and the
grin on my face -
that special something,
has disappeared.

Its sad to know that tears and fears
both so different
could become so bitter in return

Its sad to know that my love for you can no longer
manifest itself
beyond my silent tears.

Its sad to know that you denounced our
humble friendship
which lasted all these years.

That's all it is isn;t it?
just
so
incredibly
sad.

~* friends will last forever.

that special something

sigh. it seems now that everything is falling apart. now ur going away too, to the other side fo the world.

its selfish for me to say this, but i wish that u could stay. Friendship can last overseas. But it would have been so much nicer if u would be able to just carry on in Singpaore. Now i do regret, regret not spending time with u when i could, for not trying to catch up as often as i should. For just not seeing u enough after we left secondary school. It seemed that u would always always be there. Guess it was wrong of me to take it for granted. Sigh. Nonetheless, i wish i could accept it. And i will.

I'll be seeing u on wednesday, and thats one thing good. At least i haven't lost all the chances i had to just enjoy ur company^^.

Take care Xuannie. All the best in canada. i do hope u read this . *hugz* i'll miss u.

Going too?

oddly enough. i really really feel at peace now. Strangely something managed to lift things of my shoulders, as if this great wind just came and took my problems away with it. My head felt so clear. it was as if nothing clouds my vision, my head no longer feels cluttered with thoughts. Thoughts that bug, questions that can never be answered. Guess scott was right. Prayer does help a lot.

it feels so amazingly wonderful to be able to taste freedom.

thank you lord, for just being here with me
for walking with me,
reminding me that i'm not alone.
For helping me remember,
that you'll always always be there.
For gently reminding me,
to see and know that i'll always be loved.
Praise to you lord, for everything.

peace

i have singlehandedly destroyed my family

i don't know how i really did it,or why things are as they are.

i just wish that i was dead now.

just let me die

then maybe the pain will end.

*~ how could things have turned out this way?

kill me, please

mmmmm.... was sitting at the bus stop today, and who should come rolling up but a fat cheeked abosolutely adorable baby.... ( ok. i'm gonna sturt gushing bout how adorable the kid is for a bit,so bewaree :)) Anyway. He had the pinkest cheeks and brightest eyes. he looked like those u'd find on the paintings of old. With his light brown curls and sweet partailly toothless smile.

What struck me most wasn't the cuteness. It was the incredulity on his face in his observation of hthings around him. he looked at the bus pole as if it was some new apparition tha the never ever saw before. And at that point in time it was as if i saw through his eyes for a while. I suddenly noticed how interesting my surroundings were, with the funny cloud shapes and the simple rustling leaves in the background and the man across the road waving his umbrella madly. It would have been nice to carry on, if the big old bus hadn't rumbled up and jolted me out of my reverie. But still, to live, and experience each day seeing the beauty and uniqueness of even the most mundane, most subtle of things around us is so amazingly wonderful( and hard to do as we get older). ridiculous as it may sound. i think i actually envy the baby. To just being able to look so amazed and incredulous (and baby baby cute too^^). just to enjoy what the world actually looks like.

wow. how incredibly lucky.

oh. just took this quiz. i'm amused. (and happy naturally. )


YOU ARE A Singapore Chinese Girls' School GIRL!
You are real sweet, though many internal conflicts
get in your way. You care too much for others,
and dont take care of yourself. You are
friendly to those you like, but rude to those
you dislike. A fun personality to have around.


Which Singapore School are YOU FROM?
brought to you by Quizilla

lolx.

*~ happy are those who can see even the beauty of the light glistening through trees

bemused

strange.

why does what you said echo around in my head

again

and again

and again

why can't i let go

its just a small small statement

something that came out of ordinary conversation.

or is it?


*~what therefore, is a love that is without trust?

echoing

I just realised that its pretty sad that we cry mainly because of self-pity. i fully admire those who can feel enough for tohers to cry for them. But when we cry, its mainly because we are upset about whats going on in our life. why it just seems wrong. or why we are hurt. It seems pretty selfsish to be working those taps when we know that other peole could be facing situations 10 times worse than us somewhere else on the globe. But at the same time, we see that tears are some form of release or other. I guess its really crying and getting it over and done with. So we can forget that it hurts. so we can comfort ourselves. it may seem childish. but at the end of the day, no matter how we deny it, i think we are still children. Our mental parameters encompass mainly ourselves.

what's in a tear drop?
A basket of woes? A unhappy thought?
it streaks across our face, rolls down our cheek,
'Splash!'
it hits the floor
small, insignificant, and best of all
forgotten

disappointed

Ever had one of those days where u sit down and decide to stone, and ur lifetime embarassments come flooding back to u??

I find it quite amusing actually, to realise that our lifetime embarassments stand out so much more than our own achievements. We actually remember a person better if they come up and end up doing things that are exceedingly funny and empbarassing to them. But well. That's life. Which is why every family gathering the sadly-tried-to-be-forgotten-but-can't bowling incident will resurface. Much to my chagrin.

But seriously speaking, i just sat down, and all the funny stupid things that i did in the past 17 years (and a few months) of my life just came back to me. Its quite scary. but at the same time I was really really very very amused by my own stupidity. Seriously. Especially since the things i did when i was young included walking into rooms at inopportune moments and sitting in the wrong car and falling down head over heels into holes and drains and all that amidst carrying out my daily duties. I even managed to crash into the pillar a few times in school, And the bowling alley *rolls eyes*. Sigh. The list just went on. Nonetheless. Shall not bore u with Larissa's crazy/stupid/clumsy/whatever moments.

On another note.. School is one hell of a scary place. I now feel succinctly old now. Wheee... Happy that i met wei on the bus tho^^ haven't seen him in a while. but yep. School is taking its toll. I now am old enough to become unconcious for at least and hr or two at home. sigh. but still. Have to ration my napping hours. if not i'll =never= finish my work. And then i'll DIE.

Waaargh. i'm sleep deprived. And grouchy. mmph.

*~ and the stars twinkle above, a silent lullaby crooning and cooing till i close my eyes in sweet sweet slumber.

em-bar-rass-ment

hmmm... sometimes i like to sit, and listen to the voices of the wind.

its really interesting to hear it rustle through the trees or whisper alongside the grasss and flowers in the fields. It just makes me feel so much more happy and lightheaded. somehow or other it makes me feel this funny feeling inside where u want to get up and dance and feel and be free for once in your life, but somehow u just can't cos other things are pulling u down back to earth again.

I feel more distant than ever. As if i can't seem to make that connection anymore., that deep connection that i presumed was stable.

Feeling more and more caught up in things lately. The week has just whizzed by and i barely recognised it. I think i've got to learn to chase time and catch up with it soon. It seems to slip through my fingers like running water.

My life feels like a videotape on fast foward.

*~ unknowingly the mist has seemed to descend and fog up my view, leaving me groping and grasping at nothing, unable to find you.

winds of music

For god's sake. i don't care who u are. but frankly this issue was so LAST year. If you're bored and have nothing to do, then go bug someone else. no point me explaining things and wasting my time on a thick-head who calls another person deluded when it is evident he/she is, simply becasue he/she doesn't realise a blog is for venting out emotions, and for free expression. Also, if you can't respect my viewpoint, then you're not any better than u have made me out to be. BTW... do you know enough about NYF to comment as u did? cos we didn't really have a month .In actual debate prep mode we effectively had 2 weeks. And more than one person can tell u the bloody motion is tilted. experience? if u can't even tell a motion is tilted... well... let's leave the rest unsaid shall we? Oh, i have nothing agianst showing support for friends... but if that is the only way you can do it... by showing contempt for the opposing side... then i guess, well... maybe ur friends don't have the fortune of enjoying something more encouraging for them? if thats how YOU show encouragement, i pity your friends for ahving such a sad friend who cannot even think outside a straight track of smirking... i'm sure a word of encouragement outweighs the smirks u have for an opposing side. that is afterall, REAL support and encouragement.Furthermore, you mentioned Everyone has the right to free speech. This is my space and my right. So go deal with it.

Oh, and one more thing. if you don't even have the courage to identify yourself, and don't have the brains to realise this is my personlal space and i don't appreciate your comments nor want them, then please go surf the net elsewhere. i seriously don't need a person like u commenting around here.

GO AWAY.

GO AWAY

strangely i really really feel like i don't know what reality is anymore

The latest tsunami crisis has evidently shown me how fragile life is, and how insignificant we are really in this whole universe. Its not that i haven't cared or practically ignored the whole thing altogether. Sometimes i just sit and remember the footage that i saw again and again on the news and all other places. Its scary evidently, what nature can throw at the human race. Much as our apparently 'superior' human technology can do it still hasn't been able to help poverty( evidently not, since money makes the world go round), nor deal efficiently with human disaster. And now there's torrential rains heaped on to the plate too. sigh. And he rest of the plannet can only just sit and watch helplessly. The most we could do is give money. The level of human loss has been great, sadder still the massive loss of young children. And a probable fact that the corrupt politics in some of these countries may leave the money going elsewhere. Well. That thought just leaves me sick. simply because those who have the most power to help all they can might just not, for their own personal greed and vested interests.

On a happier note, Ben got married yesterday.The joy emanating from his face just seemed so bright and magical. Sigh. For once i think id just let myself get carried away and believe that there is a real happily-ever-after. ( i never did to be honest. somehow or other pple haven't managed to disprove my theory either. so there.) somehow or other i just prefer to take things as it is, one step at a time and work things through from there. Nowadays i find myself floating elsewhere again, my mind seems to take mor things into consideration. someow or other, i feel less innocent, less able to look on things with the optimism i used to prefer to exercise.

perhaps i never said this out, but a lot of times i think i really get too idealistic. after which i sink into bad bouts of cynicisms when they don't get achieved or smthg breaks it. Often my idealisms are of things that i haven't be exposed to but have alredy formed opinions of through observence of other people and their situations. Hence when things happen to me and i face similar situations, i somehow or other can't help feeling disappointed. i guess in a way i think and expect too much of myself and of others, or other times i just apply my own reality and impose it on other people. Guess in a way, i end up living in too secluded a world^^;; Guess i shouldn't think so much about things, nor enter them with anything more than basic expectations. Maybe that will help me.

Things feel different nowadays, though i can't quite place where. Perhaps the New Year has more things in store in itself than most of us can expect. The air feels different for one thing - it seems to hold this strange feel of fragility and mystery. Somethings coming up. the question is - what??

Happy New Year everyone

*~ i'd like to go wherever the wind takes me

far far away