Went out with Len today. Gave him his birthday present^^ hope he likes it.

In the middle of the day today(when i was with him) i was oddly enough suddenly brought intot this contemplative state of mind. Its not always good news when i think i guess^^:; usually the mental repercussions are quite severe or oddly displaced, but nonetheless i got onto the thinking track. ( explains the sudden pause in the middle of nowhere ^^;;)

It was quite a joy being able to see him today really, yet somehow or other things still felt a little... different. Not a question of positive of negative difference, but still different. maybe we both grwew during this time, something that changed in both of us. i think i lost half of my 'bounce' so i don't go running and screaming in all sorts of places anymore. He seemed a lot more mature too ^^;; It struck me then perhaps the protective cocoon i was in really wasn't a good shield at all.

I used to abhor change, and deplore the effect it has on my life, but seriously, i hated it. hated the way i had to adapt to it, hated the way things now looked different. i like to cling the past, simply because it just felt more comfortable, and more secure. Or so i thought. Perhaps change is good, it is smthg that we should all learn to embrace, since its what gives us room to grow, room to learn, to breathe. ah welllx. Perhaps things are good. Change is probably what will fill those silent lulls in life where things get to comfortable, the stops that change the path one takes. what probably forces us to look down the road the other way, or just look through the window again to see whats outside.

come to think of it, life would be exceptionally boring wihtout change now, wouldn't it? =p

*~ a twist and a turn is all we need to look at an object differently

contemplation

wheeeee.... finally came back frm my holiday in thailand. Nothing exceptionally enjoyable, but i shopped alot. i think. yep. i did. *looks at currently new-stuff covered bed*.

Things were pretty ok. cept it wasn't cold at all, which meant half my luggage cldn't be used. ah wellx. nvm. at least i had stuff to wear, so it wasn't that bad. Really missed home and peeps. weather is nice, cool and polluted. sheesh. the layer of fogg that seems to cover everything. night bazaar was intriguing, and the shopping malls were good. bought presents! *grin* ooh.and bought my dress for ben's wedding too. now i don't have to turn up in my bath towel ^^V. funnily though. people actually come up to me and converse in fluent thai. and expect me to reply. sigh. wonder why everyone confuses my nationality. don't i look singaporean? at any rate, the cab uncles here don't think so. they ask which part of europe/america i come from. pfffbt

haha... time for me to recite my lessons from the great outdoors.... hmmmm....

1. Wailing babies are not nice flight companions. And it would have quite nice 'frying thai'. without them screaming somewhere or other. yeesh.
2. bargaining is not an easy thing. Seriously. I got chased out twice. *looks down sadly* i'm a failure!!
3. Thai's like raw crab. apparently its their form of sashimi.
4. Starbucks coffee is half price there. That meant alot of nice coffee and hot choc stops *happy dance*
5. There are exceptionally friendly pigeons in thailand. They perch on your shoe if u stay still long enuf...
6. i have officially conditioned myself to sleep on planes. now i cna effectively conk out on the plane immediately after take off ^^V


well.. thats all i have for now.^^.Gotta go rush out my hols homework. bleargh bleargh bleargh. hate it. mmph.

*~ Fly away home to a land far away, above the clouds, beyond the sea, to the depths of my heart.

i'm home?!?

haha. suprise suprise. i'm pissed off again. And we all wonder whyyyyyy.... *rolls eyes*

Today we lost the debate against team 3 desite me being pissed of and wanting to kick their ass etc etc. we gave them a few good bruises, and it was a close fight i guess, but overall, it wasn't a good debate. The motion was tilted against us, so i guess i was expecting to lose.no suprises there. But still, looking at the audience. A PARTICULAR GROUP as a matter of fact, i can't help but let my blood boil.

well well. so your friend was the one debating. NOthing surpirising if we lump all of u guys together. Think alike i guess. Either that or birds of a feather flock together. well. if u look at the age gap i do wonder who's all the more immature. But that's not important. What's important is the lack of character that you guys shown. What's important is the response that you guys of all people would give to people standing on stage trying to do their job. You smirk at them,mock them, laugh at what they have to say. honestly, just let me ask you. How easy did u think we were having as proposition trying to come up with our blasted case? how easy did u think it was for us to establish our logic bit by bit painstakingly to help get us a strong case? it wasn't i tell you, and i'm not gonna bloody hell sit there and watch u think that u guys could have done a better job. Not with what little you guys knew of what we were talking about. Not with your arrogant, snot-filled nose. Not in a million years.

you guys make me incredibly sick. As a supposedly more intelligent (?) species of mankind you could at least been thought to possess a little more of the humanity and civility that most people lack. suprise suprise. you have less. in actual fact, you don't even possess the basic manners that all peole should have. how ironic. your now not only a disgrace to the debating scene, your a disgrace to humanity. For not even having basic manners. Laugh all you want in your seats. no problem, since all you guys probably will be stuck in is your own elevated world, perched precariously in your little bubbles. And right now, i really wish i could pop those bubbles and land u guys hard on the ground. Maybe you'll learn that way that your not all that you think you are

maybe the next time you guys sit in front of a debate, you'd think a little less of your supposed capabilities( which if you add ur lack of character whihc is negative, will still rbing u to no elevatd position), and a little more about the debate itself, and not forget to MIND YOUR MANNERS.

if anyone who reads this and takes offense. i'm sorry. nbut this is what i think. and this is what i feel. so don't come running to me and tell me that i'm being mean. cos right now, i'm pissed. and when i'm pissed, i say a lot of things that can hurt.

mmph.another bitchy entry. hell. i need to rant anyway.

I'm flying off tmr. spending Christmas in Chiangmai..... wheee.. need to go shoppeeng!!! haha! my flight is at 8 am. sigh. means i get up at 5 am. mann.. this is a year of wierd flight timings. ^^

oh. on a brighter note, i have some stuff to say to some pple...

to him: hey darling, can't spend christmas with you this year. But nonetheless, really wished i could. Miss you like crazy (as u prob would know when u scroll down) merry christmas darling. xxoo. love you.

to scott: Thanx for your bangles dear!! their really niceeeee!!! *waves bangles on arm* thanx a lot. it was real sweet of you. merry christmas!!!

*~ bubbles floating in the air admist a clouded sky

Pissed off (ii)

i'm bloody bloody irritated with today's debate. bad enuf i mucked up as third, bad enuf we had a vague and objective case set-up (also cos of me) bad enuf that things were freaking screwed up. no
u had to had to had to not provide us with a 'real' case. u had to had to had to send a false team. had to had to had to jus give a false front and try to muck up so that u dun reveal anything before thursday. that is utterly low down and disgusting. i thought u were made of better stuff. guess not. its disgusting. u dishonour the word debate. and worst of all. u made me feel like wanting to stuff the notes down ur throat. and i don't mean nicely. ( i hate being riled up. i do things i usually regret)

i'm pissed off. pissed of by ur deceit and ur false front. pissed off bout the fact that u didn't even have the decency to put up a proper arguement. what for. we're not out to win anything. unless of course. u want to so badly u resort to this. and u know what. i think that has just carried u a few steps lower down m list. now the tag attached to u says 'scum' . disgusting scum.

urgh. i'm bloody pissed off.

and i SWEAR, i'm gonna kick your ass on thurs, and there's no two ways about it.

*~ i'm gonna come back with a vengeance. and i'm gonna burn a path across ur fields.

pissed off

Urgh. i miss him miss him miss him. sigh. why do we have to be so near yet so far apart....
sigh. nvm. at least we talk almost everynite^^. hope his batt doesn't run outtt^^ i'm extremely happy wif our 9 minute and 22 second convo just now. Sigh. I hope i'll be able to live thru these two years. i dunno how long i'll live with this chronic miss-him-badly syndrome. its most unsettling. My heart seems to want to cave in with this odd emptiness inside. I miss counting the stars in the sky with him, miss sitting down just talking, having each other for company, that wonderfully sweet and contented feeling that would settle in my heart after each day with him, each moment. i miss him, miss the joy he could bring with a smilefrom his face, miss the warmth in my heart that would gather with the time we spend together, above all, i miss him, miss his laughter his jokes his smile his conversation the warmth of his arms the joy of his company.i miss everything. every little thing about him.

i thought our separation would be liveable, yet now, my heart yearns more for you everyday.

ooooh... bought his birthday presesnt....hopes he likes it *grin grin*

damn. i sound positively lovesick. don't i??

*~ love that seems to fill my heary, mind, body and soul

Miss him

damn. i feel so stretched. I feel pissed, i fel upset, i feel tired, i feel annoyed, and i feel so amazingly depressed. i don't feel like talking, i don't feel like living. All i want to do is break down and cry. And wish the rest of the world would just stop for a minute or two so i can breathe. And just take a break.

dammit. I want to cry, but i can't. And there's nowhere right now where i feel safe and warm and protected anymore. nowhere.

*~ what does it cost to have some emotional release??

tears

Me and daffy saw a poem today on a card (again), and i kinda took itdown cos i thought it really encapsulated my thoughts. Well. Sorta. about the situation now^^. So yep, took it down. Its quite sweet, though for some it may be too mushy. Don't ask me why i seem to like poetry so much. i just find it so unimaginable how thoughts and feelings can be so well communicatd within taht short amount of verse. Ah! the beauty of language.... (note: i do not believe however, that English is a good language. it has inherent flaws and odd contrasts within itself that make it most incoherent. Literally. But that DOES NOT mean i will desert it as my primary language.it is and shall remain as it.)

waiting

i am extremely intriguiged by the loss of my research. for some strange reason it has packed up and flown away ^^;;

still. figures. i am fine now i guess, so dun worry^^ can't wait to get og to my holiday ^^ wanna do some shopping. think i need to get a new dress, or i'll have to turn up in ben's wedding in a bath towel.

YOu know, a lot of people say this time fo the year, is a time for holiday, its a time to relax, but frankly, i don't think so.
not when half the population is scuttling ard orchard road running ard shopping for xmas presents
not when students hhave piles of work to clear
not when the rest of the population still runs ard working their asses off for reasons that don't seem that important anymore.

figures. i think christmas has lost its real spirit. Now i think, many see it as just another holiday. wheee. lets sleep in.

*~ promise me you''ll shine, o my brightest star

shards of crystal glass

he's going in tmr.

my hearts already longing to fly of to be with him

i think it has

and the worst part is, i'd wish it'd carry me with it too

somehow or other, i just don't want him to leave. even if its only for 3 weeks

i want to spend every single day with him, every single minute.

i don't want to let go.

i can't stop missing him, can't stop thinking abt him.

i think i'm obsessed. and paranoid.

darn. how am i goign to live thru the nex t 3 weeks??

*~ i want to spend eternity in your arms.

a day away

sigh.... he's going in this sat... and i'm going to miss him miss him miss him...

Its been a hell of a year for me, and having him around as a friend, a boyfriend, a mentor, a senior and a pillar of support has more than enough made me feel ever grateful to just be alive, so i can share life with him. These few weeks i've been having a lot of flashbacks, many of which are of the times we've spent together, those feelings of contentment, the sweet segments of time that hang at the back of my head, gently reminding me of the fact that we're together. content, and happy. I guess thats whats important, not so much how much time we have spent together, but how we spent it.. i realised more than often that i have wavered in some of the steps i took, but still i guess, it was partly natural ^^. Still, this year would have been nothing without him. I can still taste the tears, hear the laughter, feel the moments...

- it all seems so surreal -

to him :

Dear, don't worry, i may have wavered, and i may have questioned, but still, i believe. i believe in us, and i believe in our love. It may not be much time that we've had together, but each moment, each memory is as important to me as a star that has fallen from the sky - its something that i'll treasure and lock up in my heart forever more. Its something that i'll never ever give up nor exchange. Not for anything in the world.

Thanx for the wonderful wonderful days together.

Don't forget, i love you, and u alone hold the key to my heart.

Its only 2 years, and the next 3 weeks will pass by with a batt of an eye... wait and see^^. still, no matter what, i'll be right here waiting for u.

And thats a promise i am willing to keep, even for forever.

*~ Wherever you go, whatever you do, i will be right here waiting for you.

Him

I don't think i was a very nice kid when i was younger. no. seriously. i think i was a bit of a tattle-tale... a bit of a brat.. demanding... and a hell lot self-centred. I guess being an only child for me in part caused it... especially since i usually got what i wanted. so i was a typical spoilt brat in a way. I used to think the world spun for me, that usually i would live life in my protected cocoon, that things would never never change. I rarely took note of the old granny who used to sell tissue for a living ouside the street, used to give my opinion on everything and anything ( come to think of it, i think i still do :) ) but seriously. I don't think i was a very nice person. Not inside at least. I did have some saving graces i guess... i was told that i was sensitive, especially to other people's emotions.. and that i laughed and smiled alot ^^, but still. Overall.. i think i was pretty horrible. ^^

but then, things changed, and i got suddenly thrown out into the world defenceless. My perfect world got shattered, overnight,and got crushed repeatedly for months after that. It hurt, but that changed me. My defences grew( no telling what they are, then they won't be them anymore) and i think for a while i became some sort of a porcupine. My defences were my sole key to survival. But i grew out of it, and i learnt a lot oabout beinga person, from the people around me, from the people i love. They taught me how to deal with life and how to live life with contentment and appreciation. And i am ever grateful for that. ever ever grateful. I don't believe i would have become what i am today without them.

These events gave me a lot of insight to life itself. It taught me how anything and everything is subject to change, how life itself is not stable, and that little things do matter. A lot of things don't have a value - Love, friendship, family, kindness. But they actually are things that give value to life. Things that give value to living. In a way, i guess my life's appenings actually helped me. They may look a little dire from time to time, but then, without them, things wouldn't be as they are today. if its one thing we all have to learn, its to embrace change. Because with change, life becomes more interesting. With change, we learn, and we change too.

Life's twists and turns often carry us to where we don't want to go to, or don't have the courage to face. But then again, if we can change and adapt to whatever circumstances we have, and learn adnd think about things more positively. perhaps, just perhaps, things would be a lot easier to accept, a lot easier to respond to.

you know what, i think this seems to be becoming more of a piece of self consolation. But heck it. no matter. these are my thoughts anyhow. =P

*~ small thoughts.. nothing more than a raindrop in a pool.. small, insignificant, yet enoguh to make a difference.

a raindrop in a pool

i wish someone would just give me a full fledged character analysis right now.... whilst its true tu discover urself along the way... i can't help feeling afraid when i hear all these things...

Am i really as selfish and incosiderate as u claim??
am i as mean and negligent as u say??
what am i really like?? Who can tell me?
Who am i? Where do i belong?
I feel like i'm losing myself... as if i don't know me no more....
Will someone please tell me whats going on?
Someone tell me, where i truly belong...

I feel so lost nowadays... i seem to have lost almost everything tht maeans somethign to me..lost almost all that i held dear... is it so hard to hold a conversation now? is exclusion ur way of punishing me for changes that are not enitrely me fault? is living partially in an ice box going to be my life?? i don't know. But at least i know one thing.

i care.

but then agian. who cares about me?

*~ on a sleepless evening i stand alone...

i am....

sigh. we dressed our trees today. Its quite beautiful really, when u look at it now, with its glistening and twinklling lights and all the baubles and trinkets we draped all over it. Dressing it up today reminded me alot about the season itself. It reminded me of what christmas really meant, just the simplicity of having time with family and loved ones and really enjoying the time together, Ah wellx. nvm. Thats my own idealistic belief.. not everyone thinks that way anymore i guess.

In another way, i saw the way the sun glinted and shimmered over the water today.. when i was biking, and i was reminded of the beauty of life and nature... we never seem to be abe to stop and just appreciate these things anymore. Peple always seemtoo busy to just stop and breathe in the sweet scents waftig frm the trees or just hthe nearby babkery. People rush about dealing with life and what they do that they just don't stop to enjoy the simple little things in life that really matter. things that make life so insanely interesting and amazing. Thats what we live in.The real, natural beautiful world. Yet everyone is so absorbed within, they fail to realise it. sigh. nvm. I guess its just bme loking at nature with blind adoration. ^^

not that i mind. I just adore the beauty in the world.

Don't u?

*~ A twinkle in the night sky far far away..

Sunshine shimmers on water