+ Just a step away from paradise

yeah, another template with a lily on it

I guess things are sorted out now. Possibly because we both want to try to make this work . I don't know whats keeping me or edging me on to carry on as we are, but there seems to be this force that keeps pushing me to keep things as they are. Something that wills my mind to believe in him, to believe in me. Perhaps i wasn't sure about which step to take, yet smthg tells me its right. Things feel right, when i'm with him. Which hell lot makes things better, given the current mess of a life that i have now. I don't know. Something keeps me believing, something keeps me feeling that i can't live without him. Something tells me that my heart seemingly has decided to lock itself, giving him the only key. it would be cruel and painful to force it off obviously, but maybe, just maybe, it will never let itself get detached. i don't know, but i don't care anymore.

i love him. And i think thats enough to keep things together. Hopefully.

i've learnt a lot today. I've learnt how to feel what its like to be scared. scared of tmr. I've learnt how it is to feel like my heart is about to splinter into a milion pieces. i've learnt what is it like to feel like i never ever want to let go. Most importantly, i've learnt, to believe.

*~ the key to living is in believing.

its quite odd that human beings are highly social animals that insist on strict behaviour and mannerisms that are deemed 'appropriate', when in truth the best kindo of interaction is unrestrained free conversation. just being able to be who u are, whithout worrying about the social protocol that ui observe. just feel free. freet o express urself as u want. Not that we really have that liberty though.

Sigh. i'm sorry, but i'm really losing my hope. i don't kow whow things are going to work out if we rarely are able to keep in contact. Maybe we can work things out i don't know. I'm willing to give thigns a second shot, bt i don't know. i really don't know anymore. There are too many questions i don't have answers to, too many what ifs that plague my mind. Perhaps its an illusion, perhaps it was a mistake to let myself get so attached to you or to believe so much in something that had too many variables to really happen, but i don't know. i don't want to give up yet, if we can, but no matter what happens, just remember u'll never lose me as a good friend. No matter what,, i'll try to be there for u, even if we were once romantically involved. because my love for u goes beyond that.

*~ loving you is easy because ur beautiful

Somehow or other, we never realise how hard it is to keep people together. The importance of relations may be emphasised, but we never seem to realise how hard it is to keep a whole bunch of people peacefully and harmoniously togdther for a really long time, and the only time we realise, is when we start to see frays... or feel the pangs of separation. Perhaps thats why everytime we try to turn back the clock when things start to happen, its too late. Its because we never seem to take what we have as it is, nor realise that it is in actual fact temporary. Everything and anything is subject to change. Nothing really stays untouched with the sands of time cascading full blast at it. We don't realise it, but really, keeping the pple close to your heart always close to u, is never easy. Its so easy to makea new friend, yet we find it so hard to maintain friendships and relationships with pple once they start to grow apart, and when we realise it we start working to pull the threading pieces together again. Why don't we ever treasure the things we have when we can. Why do people live seeing today as just today, and not loking to see it as a day which u can never turn back to, If we could just stop and enjoy what matters more instead of pursuing something that we deem worthy until we achieve it? Its so hard to have a heart to heart chat with someone, just an hour or two of real conversation, not lip service. figures. People seem to look at things diffrerently i guess. either that or i'm too different to see eye to eye about things of the common populus that matter more over others, or what should usually come first.

I think it strange that pple focus so much on academic achievement when what they know on paper can't really be applied to real life. Ok. So theoretically the chinese believe that a smart twit who tops his exams will be a good official. he is tested on confucian pmorals. but what i don't understand is how can they believe that when it is normal for them to put down what is socially and morally correct and not their own morals? Thats it. i =so= need that interview with the person who invented exams. Then after that, i kill him. For putting me through all sorts of hell and torture resultant fromhis practically( pun intended) useless invention. yes. There. My life mission is settled. Now all i need is execution! Muahahahahaha....

haha... come to think of it.This is indeed the odd-ended musings of a trouble child. =p

*~ does being different equate to being a freak??

Can u ever imagine a life without taste???

Much as we blame life for being tumultuos and eventful, i think we rarely ever stop to think how bland life would be like without all those twists and turns and forks oand odd junctures that we hvvae to choose. Maybe thats why we have so many changes and problems that pop up along life's journey. That helps us feel life as it is, taste its sweetness and the tears, taste the heat of rage and passion. Thats what gives life its flavour and its meaning, and more than often reminds us how personal it can become, about what life really is about. About you and me,

figures. the amount u can get from being sick. The medicine has killed about 70% of my tastebuds, or at least dulled it, and the air has this medicinal smell to it. urgh. hate being sick >.< Aside from that, i think sometimes i really think to much, or at other times i seem to be so much more lost and scared. i've never felt more afraid in my entire life. Its scary to feel that ur emotionally dependant on someone, scarier to know that that person can have such a effect on u - u question whether u are insane, either that or madly obsessed with that particular person. its scary, and hard to believe at the smae time. When u start thinking about emotional dependancy, u also start to feel that maybe u should just take a break so u can gather ur thoughts about that someone, so u can regain part of ur sanity. It doesn't help to know that that person won't be around most of the time, that seemingly most of the time u will be apart. I guess thats why i thought of ending it, because it seems so pointless that we stay together if our lives would be so separate. Even more tiring was the constant verbal barracking i seemed to face at home everyday. I seriously wonder what there is to be unhappy and sour abt. Just because i go out more often doesn't mean i love u any less. ur draining me emotionally and mentally and the last thing i want is to be desensitized to u. Some pple may call what ur using emotional blackmail. and frankly, thats what i think it is too. but i dun seem to have a choice but to live with it. Because i love u. and i know u just can't let go. Maybe one day things will change, maybe one day u'll understand. All i can do is keep hoping, but well, that's good enuf for me^^. Figures. i wonder whats keeping me in constant lethargy. i think i need to exrecise my brain a bit more. and my body... waargh... need my energy supplies.. can't wait to be well so i can eat a nice stcky gooey sweetish brown substance that has nuts and is commonly known as chocolate...mmmmm.... *swooons*... ah wellz. for now, i think i better concentrate on getting my tastebuds back, and getting my nose in its right smelling order. I think living with a horribly clinical smell is anything but good.

i want my tastebuds back. =p

*~ simplicity in complexity... so strange yet so true....

well well... u peeps wun be seeing me much, i am going to be stranded on a lil island without anything to communicate wif the outside world :(,,,, dun miss me too much yeah? *grin* anyhowz, for all those who finshed exams.. yay!!! now can drag u off places.... for those who haven't .. Jiayou!! anyhowz, going off to erm... lesser civilasation.. so till sunday... see ya all^^ bye!!

**** 1 day earlier***
mmmmm.... went out wif scott ^^ had lots n lots of fun.. went to watch Bride and prejudice.... such a funny funny movie... it was real nice^^ had loads of fun.... sigh... miss hanging out wif pals and friends... its so funnnnn... man... i miss ya all.. guess thats harder when we're all apart and living separate lives. but its ok.. its fun when we meet up... sigh.... miss wei esp, she's so far away.. and me beigng muddle ehad thought it was tmr that was her b-day... blur blur me *sheepish grin*

anyhowz... HAPPY BIRTHDAY WEI!!!!!!

*~ blown away are the little dandelion clocks, clustering and thrown against each other by the playful fingers of the wind

What does it cost to have freedom?

is it really important? How do we juggle everything and learn the same time?

How do we learn to let go and give in, when we just want to fight it all out and leave things as they are?

Do we really know what we want?

What do i want?

*~ what do we see when we look into a crystal ball beyond the swirling mists and perfumed clouds?

I think we all have a habit of stereotyping... everyone just classifies people as a certain 'type' or a particular 'class' of pple. But how many of us really stop and think how well we know other people to really judge. Just because a certain person acts in a certain way is not really enough to judge his/her entire personality. But the sad part is, thats the way the world works. More than often we find ourselves labelling people as 'bimbos' or 'nerds' but we never really stop to think about the person as a unique individual with their own priorities and circumstances in life to deal with. Realistically speaking we all aren't really classifiable, and those who really really know us are few. Which is why stereotyping is usually something that is most unaccountable for, because we never really know a person well enough to judge. Why or how we do it, probably shows how judgemental we are, and how we apply our thoughts onto other people,and not recognising them as what they are, or could be, if we'd just stop to know them better. I guess its true that we never really will know a person in full if we're not their family, but then agian, hwo many peope are we close enough to to saay we know all there is to know about that person. If we don't, then how do we judge a person. Actions may speak louder than words, but even a gradual process of judging is not looking a ta person's charater. Its looking at this small aspect of it that we can grapple with, but we shouldn't use it to colour te rest of the person pink. or purple. *shrug* hell. should we even judge people to begin with?

I used to label a hell lot of people as bimbos, but guess i'll be stopping to think twice before i next call someone one =p

ooh.... here are some things i learnt this week. lolx. thought i shld compile a list :)

1. never never wear heels and walk into a puddle. or use it to cross 3-inch hills on the road *grin*
2. People do not like to be stared at while eating their lunch, the rest of the world, it would be nice of u to remember that. ^^
3. Oreo cookies and milk are one of the best things in the world to snack on.
4. one should practise wearing their heels first before really wearing them out. *soaks feet in hot water... ahhhhhx *
5. Biking is fun fun fun, but playing wif sea water is better. Esp if ur a nice greyhound/ husky that beams frm ear to ear .
6. People need to look where their going. its not funny to have them bang into u when ur minding ur own business and standing innocently by the wall. after all, i did nt grow on glass. Small i may be, i am visible.

wheeee..... u know what, the only thing i can say at the end of all this is: man. i am so full of crap .

*~ take a breath at a time and a bite of a cookie, and the world seems a lot nicer to live in.

seriously speaking i hope that what i fear is not what i'm feeling. its nothing really frightening, but i think emotionally its throwing me back to the confusion i was facing in June. Again. Which may be either a offset from the current circumstances or what happened before this. Either of which is not good. Because it means something. Somethign that i don't want to admit, or face. why did my past have to come back and haunt me?? And to tell you the truth, even if it were to happen, it wouldn't benefit any of us, because i won't do it. i don't want to do things in the face of guilt. i'd carry the secret to the grave if i have to, but i won't say anything. It's too late. For both of us.

I think one of the scariest things in the world is being with ur friends, and not knowing what to say. There's so much u want to share, yet something is holding u back, keeping u from saying what u feel. Something odd happened to me today... i'm really scared. scared of not knowing what to say. because having feelings but not being able to express them. that is indeed scary... all of a sudden i've just realised the importance of language. And lacking it for no rhyme or reason. That is upsetting... and knowing the possible reason why now is worse... because it leaves me scared, and afraid, of what i truly feel...

*~ The waters run silent and deep, hiding in its still face the rage of torrents of currents amidst the still peace of the mountains and the lakes.

****** 1 day later *******

i still don't know what's wrong with me. And if its truly what i fear, then i really want to kill myself.For being such a confused and stupid twit. waaargh.

oh. btw, i'm sunburnt. That means i am nice and pink.... wheeee... feel like cotton candy ^^

Urgh. Don't know if its just me, but i feel like each day i'm taking a bigger step towards insanity. its odd enough that i talk to myself occasionally, but nowadays wierd words just keep coming outof my mouth, like for example, mid convo with Shirin yest i burst out ' peanuts' for no rhme or reason. This is it, its finally arrived. The day i declare myself officially insane. neither do i understand why i get an oddly uncomfortable feeling about myself these days/ its like nothing i do seems right. Maybe i'm this annoying twit that everyone longs to swat, and has just started insanely buzzing around and annoying the daylights out of everyone.

Anopther important thing to note: one should not go on Tv binging sprees. Especially not on chinese drama serials that have extremely dramatised scenarios with complex family stuctures anf females who are worng but always get apologised to. hey make reality seem a lot more unrealistic. And you want to know what, the most scary part is, i laugh at these shows. i just sit there and laugh. Gosh. someone save me. i think i have fully and completely snapped. i need a cold shower. NOW.

Another note to make: shoots. i miss him like crazy. counting down the minutes and hours and days ill i next see him again. Sigh. i am definately incurable now. crap. that is not a good thing no?

*~ the hours and minutes become a blur, a mad whirl of colours that i streak past till the day i next see u again.

Wheeeeeeeeee!!!!!! PW is finally finally over. Whoopee-dee-dooooo! sigh. freedom from her has never felt better. Its goodbye GPF, goodbye Written report, goodbye orlal presentation and goodbye Mrs Kang. freedom rocks^^. Sigh, i've learnt a lot over the past year, and all the more about the importance of friendship, and keeping in mind that as long as u believe in keeping urself afloat the best you can, u will reach land one day. And guess what, i've floated through the year( yay!), Ironically.

I was just struck yesterdayby the uniqueness of friendship. Its odd... how 2 people who started life out not even knowing each other could eventually bond and depend and find joy in each other, or how people could just meet and click, or how a bunch of people could find so much fun and happines just walking down a road together. Its odd, and yet amazing at the same tine. Each friend and friendship has its own special points and weaknesses, each friendship has its own road to travel down. Each experience is similar yet different, and all of us experience it. I guess its true. Friendship is something that all of us have, something that we all hold dear to our heart, yet for all of us, it holds a uniquely differnt meaning. Friends mean a lot in most people's lives, and especially for me , they are the people who bring happiness and laughter to my life, they are the ones who will lend me their shoulder to cry on, or just lend a hand to help me up when i fall down.

Its a miracle how much a smile could help someone feel better, or just let them feel wanted and help keep their spirits up. Or how much a helping hand or just a gentle reminder can help make the dark dark world seem a lot brighter. Thats what makes friends special - in their own little ways, they help make a difference in our lives, even if its just a smile, it seems to make life a lot better to get through. We all depend on our friends for one thing or another, and so are our friends on us. This is probably why we all have complex and tight social networks and relationships. Each one different in its own right- an individual bond that strongly connects 2 people together, a bond once formed that can be quite hard to break, one that changes and develops as we know each other more and more. Its the security u feel when you know that they will always always be there, that they accept you for who you are. You don't have to wear any masks, neither do you conceal your words and fears. You can just be you, and still feel loved at the same time.

My friends are all special people, and i love every single one of them for what they are. I'm eternally grateful for each one that i have, for each one that i've shared life with. Because without them, i think my life would have been vastly different.

Thanx guys, for just being you, and for letting me share a part of life's journey with you. *hugz*

*~ Like a circle that never ends, thats how long i'll be your friend.

Ah wellx. i'm finally finally free^^. sorta.still got GPF compilation to do... icky :( oh wellx. nvm. That can cme oin its own time. its mostly been damage control anywayz. This is one case where i don't really take pride in my work. Cos i don't give a damn anymore.just do it,and make sure, it meeds my own standards. and hand it hup. i don't feel for PW ( who does?). I just think of it as a horrible piece of shit i need to dress up to look pretty despite the foul stench. bleargh. bad imagery. But nowadays i'm still free, and it feels.... odd. And all this free time leaves me time to think, which erm, for most of me, is not the best thing to happen, cos i start asking myself questions. All types of questions, mostly what ifs, and why's..... its odd. But it made me realise something today.

All this while, i've been protected.10 years in SC certainly left me the impression that the rest of the world speaks mainly english( grammatically correct english) and that all of us like to talk. alot. talk and talk and talk. Which is prob the reason why i ended up with such a culture shock when i first stepped into JC. I guess more than often, we impose what we think our realities are onto what reality actually is, and when we see it different, we just feel apart, and scared. We all do feel scared and afraid many times in life, but sometimes i just long to run back to that world i used to believe in, that world which smelt so familiar and felt so right. its like wrapping yourself up in a blanket on a cold rainy day and curling up into a ball to nap, feeling warm and protected. But still, nothing beats feeling warm and protected. Nothing beats what we create for ourselves and deem as paradise, or at least home. People say that we shouldn't lok at thinggs with rose tinted glasses, but i beg to differ. When you look through those coloured glasses, and you see things with this warm rosy glow, you can't help but feel warm and happy too. Delusion may be unhealthy, but seeing things coloured, does at least make things much better doesn't it? at least, you feel happier, and above all, you feel protected. Because then through your eyes, things at least seem more pleasant. And that helps, doesn't it?

Life looks better coloured. Its a lot like TV. But at least colouring it your way makes you be able to at least create your reality. So yep, i'd choose to ebelieve that the rest of the world speaks only english, loves to talk a lot, and are at least a hell lot warmer than some others. The rest of my world at least.

so shoot me =p

Oh. this reminds me. I saw this quote the other day, and i almost fell of laughing.it goes as such:
" Grant me the senility to forget the people i never liked ,
The good forutne to run into the ones i do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference anyway"

lolx. i think i need to agree with that.

*~ the room was bathed in the rosy glow of the fire, shining with all colours of the rainbow,
glistening in the flaming rays of the setting sun.