+ Just a step away from paradise

yeah, another template with a lily on it

Sigh. this is terrible. for the second time in my life, i have succssfully landed my bowling ball into another lane aside from mine. and the most ironic thing is, its in the exact same bowling alley, the exact same bowling lane, with the same coloured bowling ball. sigh. thats it. the end of my career as a bowler (?) i'll never never step into a bowling alley ever again. never ever ever. * hides under the bed covers*

aside from that, i think the rest of my life's pretty standard. study sleep study sleep study sleep study sleep. cannot wait for the 7th of october. freedom lies just 2 weeks away.

*liberation lies just beyond the frontier

At this point, i really really don't give a damn anymore. I'm tired. freakin tired of hearing and bothering about what people think of me. I don't bother what people think about what i do anymore. its so tiring. If i am going to try my best to please everyone and do what they want me to do and expect met o do, or deal with what they think i did when i didn't, or bvother about what they're gonna say abut me and my actions and words it will be impossible, and i find myself absolutely miserable because i can't be myself and have my wings clipped at the same time. It doesn't amtter if they think that i did it. My conscience is clear, and i know i haven't said a thing. I apologised for what i said to her, and thats the only thing i'm guilty of - hurting someone through my own foolish action. Nothing more, nothing less. If they want to say i did it, go ahead. At least i know my friends will stand by me, and i myself know i did nothing of that sort. i'm a straightforward person. i'm frank, possibly to a fault, and i won't hide things that i did. i'll say it, if its me. i did the last time. I told all of u i told her didn't i? so why should i not admit it now? its pretty pointless digging up an old matter like that, and i've moved on. there's nothing to stop me from admitting if i did do it ( which i didn't), so if they wanna think i did it. go ahead. i can't change the way people want to think. they don't know me, and they don't have the right to judge.

Aside from that, i am absitively positutely pissed with my PW ST. I'm done with ranting about it (thanx darling. still hoping i didn't bend ur ear off), I'm still a little pissed tho, cos i still think that the best solution is to tell me to my face to shut up. iknow im talkative, i've been trying to shut up for 3 darn years. obviously i haven't gotten much anywhere if u look at me now. It would help if i'm told to shut up, cos i understand my own faults. u can't blame me if i carry on as such and u don't say anything. i can't read ur mind dammit. how do u expect me to know? oh, andlet me correct one little thing. i do listen. if that wasn't what i was doing, then maybe ur correction wldn't have had such an effect no?

Thats it. i'm done with conforming to what the rest of the world expects of me, done with being so overly concerned with what other people think of me for what i supposedly have or have not done. if u don't like me for what i am, i'm sorry. if i think i hurt u, i will apologise, but seriously, i'm done with trying to rectify what others think. if i can't accept myself cos others won't accept me, i'll never be happy. i haven't found myself yet, so i know i will change. changing for the better is good, and i will work towards that( trust me, i have faults that even i cannot stand). I don't mnid criticism, especially if its constructive, cos i know that no one's perfect, and its all the better if i can be a better person. But from today forth, i'll stop changing to please the rest of the world, and hating myself for not being able to keep everyone else happy. I'll change for myself. deal with it.

*~ the greatest love of all is learning to love yourself for who you are.

i don't know. maybe its just me, but i've just realised that i haven't had a lot of time - time for studying, time for friends, time especially with you. I don't know whether its my own insecurities thats making me feel like time apart we've been spending isn't very good. i don't know. i used to feel happy just stoning wiht you, where u can just stone and still feel like there's something productive going on. yet, today, when there seemed to be this quiet, and continued interruption, i just felt oddly empty, as if things just changed and i got left behind in the dust. Its not like u haven't done enuf to make it known that i'm loved, u do. i just don't understand how come i feel distant from u in such a strange manner. I dunno. maybe the absence has made my heart too fond, or whatever time we have together is just so limited i'm afraid i'll be forgotten, or left out, cos we all seem to have so much going on. yet at the same time, i can't keep u out of my head for very long. not very at least. and worse, ice cream didn;t do a thing for me. aargh. crap. i'm going to dunk my head in a pail of cold water. and stay there.

*~ wishing you were here with me

Sigh. As you all know, it is that time of the year again, where everyone gets chased into hiding with books and notes from the hideos monstrosity called exams. ( damn the chinese still for inventing it. i will still haul up that idiot's grave if i can find it) so yep, in a few moments, i too will be running into absolute seclusion till about the 7th of October, where freedom finally arrives. Not a moment too early tho. That leaves me with ample time to celebrate my B-day, which is on the 9th *ahem* (KIDDING kiddng. u guys dun have to get me anything. really ^^.) Still, aside frm that, still wishing that i didn't have such a slow brain, or a confused one either. I promised not to think about it, and i won't. I just need time to will myself to i guess. I am happy, so why should i destroy it with my own lack of clarity? ok. nvm. Half of you probably wouldn't know what the hell i'm talking about.

Aside from that, i think i could have just died outside the staff room today. The last thing u really want is a Teacher who suddenly sees u with your form teacher and goes

" oh. this girl is in love. i see her every morning cosying up to a particular young man... "

and gives you a wonderfully knowing smile after that. Not that my form teacher doesn't know.. but still.. i dun need advertising like that!!! i'm perfectly happy being insignificant!! *wail wail* At that point in time, all i wanted to do was to run into a pigeon hole and hide. forever. i still want to. goodness knows how long ti'll take for the rest of the staffroom to get hold of this. with her like that. i think, everyone will know by the end of promos. By then, i'll be dead. absolutely and completely gone. aargh. I have to Live through another year in this school..... tis is bad. absitively positutely bad. Aargh. What is wrong with these people. I really really want to kill her. wait. no. must restrain my own vindictive tendencies. not healthy. *waves knife around anyway* Sigh. why can't i have super powers that will spirit me away from embarrasing situations and help me erase people's memories. that would be extremely useful, especially now. waargh, ok. nvm. right now. i'm gonna be going MIA. Mainly Intellectual Absorption. Take care guys,and good luck all!!! *hugz*

~* carry me away on the wings of the wind

*grinz* i was having a convo with someone today, and i was reminded of a poem which i thought was pretty sweet. It spoke a lot about b=pple's far of being forgotten, and i think mos tof us do have that fear, even if we were socially secure( how can we ever be? most of us still care too much what pple think even if they say they don't) , and even more so when we have friends. especialy when they're apart. i guess we'r alll busy now, and don't have much time for everyone, not as much as we used ot i guess, but still, even if i never called or smsed in a while, it doesn't mean that i have forgotten u. I'm merely giving u time to miss me =p. haha. aside frmt hat egoistic-twit statement, its true, i've not forogotten any of my friends. ^^ hope u guys haven't forgotten me too yeah?

"Colleen"

When you are sweet sixteen
and u whatever they shal call seventy-eight.
will you then remember when you were two
and you thought i was three and your romping mate?

When you walk into church a bride radiant
and I in bed unable to attend.
will you then in your radiance recall
you toddling, i walking, we playing pretend?

When you are a proud mama
and i a senile but still great grandpa,
will your little one then be the only one
understanding me in our baby 'ga-ga'?

And when your eldest is sweet sixteen
and I have gone from here for good,
will you still remember in tender prayer
your grandpa and our shared childhood?

And when your daughter has her own baby
and you play and romp with grandchild too,
will you then remember when you were two
and i was three and we went giddy-up, choo-choo?

Goh Sin Tub

I guess in a way, it also made me think abt grampa and how much he loves me, and myy childhood days with him. ^^ sad to say i haven't had much time to spend with him lately, but still, even tho u dun get to see this, just wanna say i love you grampa ^^ happy birthday! ^^

*~ remember me when i'm long gone, but don't forget me now, when time has but just separated us for a moment

Ever tried fixing up a jigsaw puzzle,and found that everything is in place except that last piece? i did, it just made teh picture loook incomplete. I guess thats what i'm feeling now. Ever since she went back, the house just seems so amazingly quiet, and my family- well. it seems a little incomplete at that. I guess we were never closer to mom than we were to her, but its more a result of the fact that she has to work and we rarely spend as much time as wecan with lyn with her. Still, it seems like the person who made my home warmer than most and happier than usual is still her. I miss the noise, miss the music, and even miss having her nag at me ^^;; at least i didn't feel as disjointed. I'm alone at home now, and things are so quiet u can literally hear a pin drop. The empty walls echo that blank stare, the house lacks the vibrance it used to carry, Perhaps its my own negativity that clouds it as such, but i kow one thing, i miss her, and i can't wait for sunday, when she comes back, and i can fit that missing piece back into the incomplete jigsaw puzzle again.

*~ the missing piece left a gaping hole at the center of the jigsaw puzzle

Sigh. Sometimes i wonder why people are so concerned about thier differences. if they'd care to stop and think for a while, they'd realise that everyone actually is pretty much the same. We all have two eyes, two ears, a nose and a mouth, and we all can feel and understand and be touched too. There are differences no doubt, but these serve only to make us unique individuals at the same time, not to draw distinctive lines between all of us. Its not true that we are a homogeneuos race. we all do react differently adn see things differntly, and most of the time prejudices actually cause psychological barriers of communication between people and its worse if u get trapped in between. I don't want to be sucked into this whirlpool of exclusivity and discrimination, or even just causing hurt by looking at whats different and turning my nose up at it. Don't u understand? i don't care how different my friends can be, and how diverse my social circle can get. I do't see the necessity to be tied down by just one group and look down on all others outside of it. Its pointless, and hurtful. I don't blame anyone for the fact that i don't belong into one specific group - in fact, i don't think its a bane at all, given the freedom it allows me. Real friends accept u for who u r. They don't bother about how different u can get. I have my close friends, and thats more than enough. I don't need a circle that keeps other people off. If you would just take a minute and think of the similarities, u'll find a lot more than just friends - actually, that's what makes the difference.

*~ who ever said that quantiy was better than quality?

I don't understand how things could have turned out as such. My biggest worry was losing your friendship, and nothing more. It hurts when a person whom u deem a close friend actually says that of you, much worse if you realise that its not smthg that was only existent in the past. I don't understand what provoked such a complicated reaction, or whether reality has toyed with my view of things, but i can safely say that i never hoped for anything, not at all. I just wished to be less confused. Yes, i guess my wish was granted, and i am clear about things now. seriously. I wouldn't have attempted it even if the situation changed. i realised i was just too scared. but frankly, i don't think u needed to be that hurtful. I don't want to know why that came from you, but it certainly speaks of what u actually think of me as a person, and even worse, as a friend. That stings. its stings a lot. And all i was worried was that we couldn't be friends anymore. You didn't need to go to such an extent. Maybe its me being oversensitive, maybe its me not able to acknowledge fully that you know now, even if it was a thing of the past, but at the end of the day, i'm still stung. And the best part is, i don't even know why i m so hurt. I just bloody am, Guess its true, curiousity killed the cat. Only the difference is, i don't have nine lives.

*~ why couldn't i be content and not venture further?

When I look back and think of how things were, when i first met u this year, i realised that never in my life would i have imagined that things could have been this way. This isn't some mushy reflection - at least it wasn't meant to be. I just sat and thought for a while earlier, about the whole string of things that happened this year, from the day i felt so unfamiliar in a school i never knew why i chose as my second choice, the day i first stepped into a class where i found both tears and joy,the day we first met, to the day i stepped into a cca which i have now learnt to regard as my 'family', the school i now feel like i never could have belonged anywhere else. Perhaps its true, I never fully knew the reason why i did decide to go to SA, or why i happened to meet you under so many circumstances. when i look back, and think of how things have progressed, from simple acquaintances to friends who could for no explicable reason click to the couple that we are today, and i realised that i was actually so much happier after i knew you. Partly because of what i seemed to have run into continuosly for the earlier part of this year, i found that this relationship actually was the basis of my will to keep going no matter what, no matter how appealing suicide was to me. Sometimes we may have fought, other times i may have felt unclear and lost about what i thought i knew. Yet the happiness i feel when i''m with you has never been replicated by anyone else. I guess what i feel for you could never really be explained, neither can it be comprehended by other people. Its hard to explain, hard to understand, but one thing's for sure. I never regretted the choice i made on March the 3rd 2004. Being able to know and love you, is one of the best things that could have happened to me, and whilst we are going to be apart for quite a while, it doesn't meant that for a single moment, my thoughts will be without you, they will be. ^^ so till the next time we can see each other, take care, and work hard k? ^^ this may be early, but happy 6th mth anniversary darling

*~ knowing you was the best thing that could have happened to me

Thinks: ok. i just realised that i got uncontrollably sappy.... this is what u get, when u are too deprived of chocolate. U hunger so much for sugar, you become it. pfffbt. i want my chocolate.